The effect of Mercy on Me
Tonight, as part of her Mothers Day celebration, Sharmini had wanted to watch the movie “I can only Imagine” – the story behind the #1 all time best selling Christian single.
The writer of the song (Bart Millard) had an abusive father and very difficult life that continued into early adulthood. Later, Bart saw Jesus transform his father from a ‘monster he hated into the man that he wanted to become’ (his words).
The song talks about what it will be like in Heaven – far from the cliche great food and good times – centering in on the reality that it will all be about Jesus – not the physical and carnal desires that we have on this planet. Refreshing.
“Will I dance before Your throne or will I fall to my knees”
The movie pulls on the heart strings – I found it emotional in a number of places as I related to the way Bart felt at different times – but more so the grace and mercy of God and how they have such a real impact on people – including myself…
In one scene, something has gone wrong for Bart, very wrong and it is as though he is about to act in the same way his father did – in anger and violence. From memory in the movie he doesn’t – but my mind was drawn to some inner desires of mine, imparted by my father so I can’t be sure.
Not that I knew it for most of my childhood, but my biological father left before I was born. I was raised by my mother for the first few years then moved to what was meant to be a Christian commune but, at least in my experience, was more of a cult. Here I developed the foundation for a deep hatred of ‘god’ and anyone who was ‘Christian’.
Years later, as my life spiralled further and further away from what I was told was right, immersed in drugs and alcohol, I tried to find love and identity in relationships.
Despite the fun, energetic and outgoing facade, I was insecure and very, very wounded. Once I became involved with someone I would get very jealous, insecure and internally worried about being rejected.
I was only really aware of a few emotions – adrenalin / fun and anger. Fear was repressed as were all the vulnerable things – driven deeper and deeper by the drugs and denial.
My reaction was virtually a carbon copy in every relationship: insecurity, jealousy, manipulation, control and then anger when it didn’t go my way. But one thing ran deeper than all of that: the desire to run.
But one thing ran deeper than all of that: the desire to run.
Anytime there was any perceived threat, any possibility where I was not #1, where someone might look down on me or reject me, the drive to get away, to run – was overwhelming. It led to my cutting off a number of relationships abruptly and the cycle continued.
After God saved me and I met who is now my wife, I was completely caught unawares when this same desire to run away, to get out was still present. God had removed so much of what I couldn’t escape from, many addictions were simply gone. I probably internally thought that this run reflex was too.
But not so – and if anything it was worse than before. Before I had drugs and alcohol to use to get away from the bad feelings. Before, I could walk away from a relationship and find another partner but now I was married – I couldn’t leave.
Later I had children too – Even when things got so bad I completed leaving – I couldn’t leave them. (this was actually an unhealthy fear too but that’s for another time!)
The desire was strong at times. So strong I would leave the house, drive away.
At times I would calculate how I would live, finances, work etc. It was painful and all I wanted to do was leave.
It is almost as though the actions, emotions and spiritual bondage of my father – a father I never met until I was 21 or so – were somehow embedded into me. He couldn’t handle being a father, so he ran. There were many of his other traits I inherited, despite having no contact with him. Built in desires, genetics or a generational curse? I could argue for all three but what was important was how real they were and how I had to fight them.
As is the case with many relationships, this was mostly by denial: I busied myself with all kinds of things – many looked great from the outside. My wife learned what issues she should avoid and things that she could try and do to help me through times where she knew I would be struggling. Due to both of our past’s’ involving many partners, these times were common and these avoidance techniques meant little.
Thankfully, what would have been a family and life destroying mechanism, has been dealt with, bit by bit in ministry. God gradually removed the inner lies that had me believing all kinds of things about myself. Things like believing I was no good, worthless, and nothing. In their place He has planted the experiential truth of His love and my value to Him. He revealed how close He was to me during childhood and now I am aware if His presence as a Father.
To say there has been changes in this area is a huge understatement! So here, looking at this scene brought a strong emotional reaction.
I know what it is like to have something deep within drive me to actions that hurt others I care about and I regret greatly later. The consequences can be huge.
But I no longer have that inner desire to escape. No longer do I want to run. In fact, the desire to stay, to provide, to protect and even talk about and address the painful stuff and issues has replaced the desire to run. I can’t describe in words how deep and impacting this change is.
I have seen myself do horrible things to others – things I could not describe… in fact things that would haunt me daily if I had not been totally forgiven by God. Sure, the people involved were still affected and where possible I have tried to make amends, but the actual guilt comes from breaking God’s law not wronging people.
What grace, what mercy! Not only for myself, but I think of what this means for my wife and my 6 children – what they would have gone through if I had acted on this inner thrust? If God had not removed the reason for me wanting to run – it would have been terrible and lasting.
But in His grace and by His power, He has and is breaking chains and stopping cycles that could have lasted literally for generations. I hope this is the case (and guess it is) for Bart – experiencing the transforming power and love of Jesus, leaves us forever changed – free to not repeat the actions of our fathers.
Able to interact and receive the True Fathers love, to see glimpses of the King of Kings and worship Him, but still be quite content not knowing exactly what will happen in Heaven. But knowing it will be incredible – all because of Him.
We can only imagine!
Conclusion: Mercy on Me: Jesus redeems, Jesus transforms!
PRAYER: Thank You Lord for the message of hope that You present to us through the death of Jesus on the cross. Thank You for punishing Him for our sin. May we receive that gift of forgiveness from You and live in and walk in it. Please strengthen us to deal with the issues that remain. We open our hearts to You today.
NOTES: I