Reflecting on this year (and especially the Christmas season) I was plagued by negative thoughts… There is so much I wanted to do, to get done, to achieve, to be, and *so much* of it has not eventuated.
Financially, health & pain wise, machinery & appliance breakdowns, materials hold ups, it really has been a long hard year.
Physical pain is a daily grind just to survive – and the coping mechanisms further add to my dismayXXXX. I can’t even maintain a level of healthy fitness.
Relationally with people outside my immediate family I have been hopeless – a far cry from where I want to be. People I care about & have every desire / intention of connecting with, but just don’t.
I have long had a burning desire to be effective in ministry, to see lots of people free from their x,y or z of grief, addiction, pain and come to know the King for themselves. But none of it is close to my reality – or current capability.
With my own children in relationship building & proactive parenting I am at about 15% of what I want to be. As a husband, I would give myself an F – my incredible wife deserves so, so much more than I have given. I want to be (and do) so much more for her – but fail continually.
The truth is I am not the man, the person, the being that I would like to be. I don’t measure up. I am not capable. I fall short on an hourly basis.
Thankfully, this is not the only angle I can be viewed from…
As I looked at a few weeks even of this season, I can see a different perspective:
BC/AD (Before Jesus / After Jesus changed me)
BC – Christmas was just a time to fulfil as little family obligations with as much fun as possible (and get blind drunk).
AD – My highlight was spending a week putting up thousands of lights, singing carols (even though I can’t sing), to bless our neighbour. We spent what little money we had on materials so my children could make over 100 Christmas cards to bless strangers. We are already planning for bigger & better next year…
BC – I would regularly rip people off, overcharge them, sell dodgy or stolen goods, or steal to get what I wanted.
AD – We regularly give items away to people who are struggling or to people who attack us for being Christians. We run a ‘business’ not to make money but to share the Truth of Jesus with anyone who may listen. We live in an unfinished house and make many sacrifices so we can give to others.
BC – I was abusive in relationships, violent, even with my many ‘beloved’ dogs. I only had time for people if I was getting money or pleasure in return. I had no connection, no compassion, no emotion.
AD – While I struggle to be selfless, it is on a *whole* different level. I genuinely care for people. I will often weep with people when I hear their struggles. I have a desire to walk with them in their suffering. I have heard my wife say that I am selfless and and amazing father (?!!!).
I will not go on but I can not reiterate enough that the difference in me is *not* because of me. I am not a good man, a nice person and it was not my perseverance or strength that helped me come through or get clean.
It was a ‘Person’ – a ‘Man’ – the Son of Man. More commonly known by His English name (Jesus), He was someone I:
a) Did not believe existed
b) Did not think could still exist
c) Hated. A lot.
Without Him I was:
A party animal,
Addicted to drugs, alcohol, women, money, adrenalin and self.
Happy on the outside, but depressed and suicidal inside.
A mean, calculative, vindictive dead beat.
But with Jesus:
I am a husband who tries to lay down His life for His wife.
A dad who desires the best and works towards that for his children.
A business owner that trades ethically and is generous
A community member who cares for others
As amazing as these two lists are to me, how earth shatteringly real and powerful they are…they are the least of what has occurred in my life.
Before Christ I was Spiritually Blind and Spiritually Dead. We all are when we are born. We don’t know it. We don’t even know there is an alternate. We are deceived into thinking we are ‘good’ and/or that there is no God.
But After Christ???
I was immediately awakened – my spiritual eyes were opened. I instantly knew I was a sinner – that the things I had done were not just bad, not just negative to others, not just selfish…
They were SIN. Sin against the God who created & controls the universe.
I, like all people, were facing judgment by God for all said sins (Do not lie (ever), Do not steal (anything), Do not Lust (porn / sex outside of man & wife marriage), Do not Hate (classed as murder even for enemies), do not Mis use Gods name etc).
But despite all this, despite the fact that I hated Him, did everything he said not to, and abused the people He loved, He decided to send His Son to die in my place (and in your place) anyway. This is INCREDIBLY GOOD NEWS – if you put your trust in it!
BC – Blind, Dead, Slave to Sin, Condemned to Hell
AD – Awakened, Alive, Slave to God, Filled with Love and ADOPTED INTO HIS FAMILY!
I am still *far* from where I want to be – and nowhere near any semblance of perfect.
But now, (AD) amazingly, when God looks at me – He sees…???
PERFECTION!
He sees the purity, the perfection that Jesus fulfilled & purchased for me! He never sinned even once (in action, word or thought!). He was obedient 100% of the time. He fulfilled all prophecy. He died & rose again to purchase complete forgiveness. For me and you…
Wow what a reality. The pressure is off! I want to please Him, I want to be a better husband and father and all that. I will pray (less often than I should / want to ), I will read and plan and try harder – but the reality is that He is working in and through me.
All Him – not me.
Lord, help us see ourselves as you see us. Help us live and love the way you want us to. Please continue to change us in to the image of Your Son so we can reflect Your light to this dark world.
#thankYouJesus