It was 22 years ago today that I was suddenly confronted with the fact that I had a Father who cared about me.
Maybe this seemed so powerful because my biological father was quite different. When he learned of my existence, he left: no words, no care, no contact, no protection, no provision and no explanation. I wasn’t sad about it – it was all I knew – no dad? No worries!
I had no idea of the damage to my soul, no idea of the difference a role model could make, no idea how a father could teach, model, shape, discipline, encourage, give security to a child and make sense of the world.
I failed to recognise the ways my mind, emotions and soul were affected by the decisions I made along the way to seek pleasure. Again, it was all I knew – choosing activities and substances that made me feel good…for a while.
Being highly motivated, these activities quickly accelerated to a point where they controlled me. The result, (as per normal), was discontentment, distress, disillusionment, depression, disease and eventually death.
It was in this state, having resigned myself to death, being quite happy that I had achieved and experienced all I wanted, looking forward to it all being over, that *everything* changed.
“F#@& THERE IS A GOD??”
Due to hundreds of crazy events, here I was, lying on my stomach in an old bus, in remote Western Australia, less than 200m from the cliff that looked to be the perfect exit point.
In front of me, a book I had long hated and believed responsible for all kinds of evil in my life. But here it was, seeming to speak directly to me in an astounding way. The words cut through the incessant chatter, they defeated my defences and awakened emotions I never knew existed.
This God I was convinced did not exist, this God who had allowed me to suffer, this God I hated, was actually real?!
I was immediately aware that I had done a lot of bad. A *lot* of bad. Things that before this point I did not care about, did not think were bad, thought were justified or even good, were actually incredibly evil.
They were not just bad against other humans, but all of my bad actions were directly against this powerful and Holy being. They offended Him and they *should* have caused Him to hate me, to judge me, to punish me, to kill me.
But that is not how He responded. Despite the fact that He knew in advance what I was going to do, He loved me anyway! How could this be? I suddenly understood just how evil I really was. The list was long…
- No wonder my relationships were non existent
- No wonder my body was failing
- No wondering I was in pain
- No wonder my mind was in meltdown
- No wonder I felt guilty…
I deserved death!
But instead, the God, this Father, loved me so much that He sent His only Son to die for me, to pay my fine, to take the punishment for my sin!
Years of ‘living it up’, drinking, stealing, dealing, potent drugs, high adrenalin activities, police chases & raids, continual indulgence in anything and everything – all of it meant *nothing* and was powerless compared to this!
Love, pure, unlimited, undeserved. Love: It melted and awakened this cold, dead heart of stone.
Perfect Peace: All the voices in my head stopped, ironically just as I was made aware of their presence. My whole body completely at ease.
Joy: far, far deeper than the pathetic ‘fun’ that left emptiness. This joy resulted in thankful tears and a reverberation in my soul that still echoes.
My message to you today: even if you missed the huge benefit of having a present / caring dad, you have a heavenly One who *really* cares. He has never left you and can turn even your worst experiences into something beautiful and good.
Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
6 God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.
Psalms 68:5-6 (NLT)
This Fathers Day – look up to Him who holds the keys to Life.
#thankYouJesus
20 years later I would meet him for the first time, yet when I invited him to my wedding, His response was “Adam, I never wanted kids and I still don’t, please don’t contact me again”.
That was 19 years ago now: that was our last communication. As far as I know