So driving through the wind & rain after a long day on the road, my back is hurting, I have a headache and the effects of a cold are becoming more noticeable.
I contemplate overtaking someone slowing down due to the conditions, but it’s only a short hop to the overtaking lane…
As the lane opens I have been accelerating for about 500m to give the bus & trailer enough momentum to pass up the hill. My shoulders are forward as I pass and it becomes obvious that roos are a real threat tonight.
I narrowly miss one that is dead in the middle of the two lanes, debris from a car both sides. I have a decision: continue with the shoulders forward, tension and urge to go ever quicker or pull back?
This shoulders forward urge has seen me do some incredibly stupid things – it was the way I would drive everywhere in any vehicle. My goal would be the vehicle ahead, once passed, the next vehicle ahead was the target until I was at top speed and weaving.
This became chronic, down the middle of 2 lanes on the freeway, in between two cars approaching each other , at double or triple the speed limit, while drunk, all the time. My driving record reflects much of what my memory can’t.
I do recall a time racing another bike on the freeway south – he won as his bike had a higher top speed (mine maxed around 200 at that stage). But I soon passed him as we hit a thick patch of rain that was like hitting a wall of water – he was scared, yet I had nerves of steel (in my own own eyes). Such stupidity was really only the tip of the iceberg of a constant urge to be away from reality, to be dead – a literal death wish.
A literal death wish
This urge transferred into my new Christian life at times, where, with child on the back I would do far faster than I care to mention here. So much so, that despite my resolve to do better, I knew I had to be obedient when God said quite clearly
“Adam sell the bike as I am taking my hand of protection off you”.
I have not ridden a bike since as far as I am aware.
I am now acutely aware of God’s protection throughout my life, though this was not always the case. I thought I was invincible – I thought I was a fantastic rider – but above all I didn’t care I had to win even if it meant dying.
Yep that’s right – win a race that wasn’t even real – the other people weren’t even trying or aware, likely just yelling, shaking their heads while sitting on the horn and my craziness.
After God opened my eyes to that fact that He actually existed, I went and stayed with one of my closest friends who was trying to quit a chronic drug habit. In my dark drug / alcohol days, we lived together and he was often on the back of my bike while we were both blind drunk. I said to him one night “Just think of what you can remember from being on the back of my bike – you have to either say I am a better rider than Mick Doohan, or admit that there is a God who protected us”
Years of daily and nightly cheating death – and that wasn’t the half of it. I could tell you about numerous encounters while riding as a courier, hitting buses, nudging cars while both wheels locked up, hitting curbs, getting seriously airborne with someone on the back and, unfortunately, injuring someone in a high speed chase where the police didn’t have their lights on.
After a few minutes of contemplation, he looked at me with a white face and admitted “fu#$, there IS a God isn’t there?!”
There is so, so much in my past that now proves this God miraculously protected me – but all those years I just thought it was me & my skill. Crazy.
At times I have missed riding but not regularly – though this ‘shoulders forward’ stance crops up at times – normally only on our property on the quad. But here it was – mild and in the context of driving a diesel bus with a trailer – but still here.
Should I pull back & be fearful of the speed / roos / rain? I close my eyes briefly and instantly feel the presence of God:
“I am with you Adam”
I can not describe what it is like to go through a lot of your life believing you are alone, fatherless and in danger and then have an awareness of a perfect loving Father – anywhere anytime.
The peace, the security, the love, the gratefulness.
Amazing to me – there is a 3rd option!
I don’t have to have shoulders forward and speed and I don’t have to be scared and pull back to 90, despite the rain or roos.
He’s with me. I can sit on the speed limit without shoulders forward, rested, in peace, not worried about roos – He’ll let me know if He doesn’t want me to hit one.
Foolish? Maybe – but for me a dramatic step forward – I look at the precious two souls I have as passengers & thank God He is changing me in ways they can see.
Not just me trying harder or being better (which never works) – but inner changes that only He can do.
Lord thank You for loving me despite who I am – despite what I have done and what I do. Thank you for being a Father that loves and loves to forgive. Thank you for protecting me despite my stupidity and not abandoning me despite my hatred and rejection of You. Thank You for the inner changes that help me respond to love. Thank you for helping me love you.