I wrote the below in response to an article that argued:
- Smacking children causes drug addiction
- Smacking never works
- Smacking can never be done healthily….
First off, if we base our parenting on research, we will likely never hit the mark – and it will continually change. The research (despite the authors insistence) can never give a total nor completely clear picture of all the variables, outcomes and personality types. The data is interpreted by people through their worldview (most ‘psychology’ research is based in secular humanism).
This week playgrounds need to be safer – next week we’re told that this leads to a child not being able to assess risks. This week we should always encourage a child – next week we see that this leads to pride, bullying and disillusionment. The continually changing advice leads to more and more freedoms for the child and, interestingly, more insecurity. As time has progressed, generally speaking, parenting focusses more and more on the ‘positives’ and less on consequences.
In our culture, we can see a magnification of this there in our prison systems. We have (as per normal), done a pendulum swing away from punishment and towards rehabilitation. It is filling miserably. Why? Because the perpetrators are not being punished first – before rehabilitation. Rehabilitation is a great ideal – but it will never be effective until the person has gone through punishment and repentance. The current prison system is used by most as a free detox facility where they can get a free feed, learn a trade and re-group, ready for their next assault and free ride of the community.
Back to parenting, our culture has moved away from corporal punishment (smacking) and consequences in general. But at the same time, we have gone through a huge increase in drug use and addiction (as well as other anti-social habits). This flies in the face of the authors’ flawed logic… He uses ‘smacking’ and ‘hitting’ as synonyms and tries to argue emotionally rather than rationally. Of course it is wrong to hit anyone, let alone an intellectually disabled person!
I personally have experienced some negative ‘smacking’. While I was not beaten or tortured, I was hit with a wooden paddle in front of all the teachers after my pants were pulled down. On some occasions, the physical pain was intense – but the shame of being between 7 and 10 with my pants down lasted for a long time. I can honestly say, that unless Jesus had released me of this, it would still affect me today. (Thankfully it doesn’t! 😊).
But just because there are negative, wrong or abusive people, doesn’t mean all of a said method are incorrect.
Contrary to what the author says, smacking in our house is not something that leaves everyone feeling lousy…far from it. First, let me say that well behaved kids are not always like that because of good parenting. It could be from abuse & control, leading to fear.
In our house, when done correctly, a smack looks like this: (I don’t always get it right don’t put me on a pedestal!)
1) A discussion about what the child has done, a test to see if the child knows *why* what they did is wrong. (If they have not been taught it is wrong and why it is wrong, then they should not be punished, that is a parenting problem.)
2) Acceptance rom the child that this is a smackable offence (in our house it is reserved for deliberate disobedience, lying and extreme cases of unkindness for the younger children). As the children get older they are often asked if they would like to substitute the smack for something else (I don’t recall any of them ever doing so, they prefer to get it over & have relationship restored).
3) The smack is always given by me (dad) in private. I use a wooden spoon – so that it stings but doesn’t hurt, the pain goes away quickly & it is easy to regulate. The spoon doesn’t damage where as my big hand could. I’m not trying to inflict an injury or lasting pain.
4) Discussion / Dialogue. Depending on the child’s age / understanding the discussion will look different, but it will always include:
- why it is important to experience consequences of deliberate wrong actions. In the real world, a car accident, assault, the police, the magistrate… they all give clear and concise consequences that can not be circumvented. It is better to learn while the consequences are just a stinging smack that lasts 30 seconds!
- the reason I am doing it, as well as the fact that I don’t enjoy it: I am doing it for their good, not my enjoyment or revenge etc. As a Christian, I will often explain how God requires this of fathers and, as a perfect Father, He disciplines us for our good.
- how, even if they are unrepentant, even if they keep doing the wrong thing, it does not change who they are or how much I, their mum or God loves them. Sin does not define them.
- I will often talk about how sin against someone has a cost – a payment needs to be made. The same is true of God – if we sin, the fine must be paid, but thankfully Jesus paid the price for all our sin!
On this last point, when a child knows the pain of a smack and I sense that they are genuinely repentant over the offence, instead of smacking them, I will smack myself and explain that is what Jesus did for us. Often, if this has happened a few times, the child is ready to progress in parenting style away from smacking.
I always hold them lovingly when I smack them and allow them to embrace me before, during and after.
Afterwards, they normally cling tight and at times I feel emotional with them, reassuring them the whole time I love them and that it will be ok. They have the opportunity to say sorry / ask forgiveness if they need / want to. Again this last bit is age dependant – at early ages it is just words that we encourage and model, where as as the kids get older & start to work out what relationship is all about the words get less & less & the heart & actions take over.
The intimacy & love is astounding afterwards – they are so at peace as the offence is actually gone. They will often share freely about themselves and are at ease.
To my knowledge chosen to have time out, miss out on an activity or toy etc in place of a smack when given the option. At times when the older ones are given the task of deciding a consequence they have chosen a smack & I say no!
How hard do I smack? Just hard enough to let them release (normally a cry). For instance, at times they really know & accept their sin and they are sad beforehand (not just because they are caught – you can tell the difference) the smack will be a literal tiny tap – and it has the exact same effect.
Sometimes I might give myself the smack teaching them what Jesus did for us (this is always a *hard* smack so they really get it – Jesus took the full punishment for our sins). At times if I detect a ‘stubborn’ heart I’ll ask them to get before God & examine their heart & tell them to let me know when they are ready. There is no point smacking a stubborn heart in my opinion.
All the above is done in the context of love & trust. My children know clearly I would do anything for them – we are together a LOT! (Home-school, home-business, building a house together etc) and we do a lot of character training and work – smacking is only a tiny portion of the picture!
We work on identity and building trust a lot as we see that is our role to our children. Smacking is a small part of our training – but a vital one.
I believe that the above is not going to increase drug addiction or rebellion. In fact, I would argue the opposite. What breeds rebellion in a child? That’s simple… anger. If you are angry with your child, they will rebel. You don’t have to smack or yell, just get angry & they will rebel. Another negative method: control.
I believe that anything used to control a child is damaging. An angry look, words or action can be just as damaging as a smack. Constant bad words, neglect, emotional distance, threats etc cause very deep emotional wounds as the child interprets him/herself as the problem or that something is wrong with them. The same can be true of any discipline (including smacking) if done for revenge or out of anger. The words ‘you won’t get this if you…’ are threatening and even more damaging in my opinion. The child interprets that you only love them if…(insert whatever you threaten to remove here). We should love our children unconditionally!
I believe that Christians should base their parenting on what the Bible teaches. Love, respect and authority.
I believe a smack as a consequence to a child’s actions out of obedience to God, is the duty of a Christian parent. But *only* in the context of complete trust (between parent and child) and reliance on God for *Him* to change the child’s heart. It’s not that the smack will do it. The change of heart is God’s responsibility – the obedience is our bit. If we are trying to use the smack to change behaviour or change a heart it will not work and will likely get harder & more frequent.
In years of hearing about people’s pain, trauma and problems I have never once had someone say the reason of their pain was smacking. Sure a couple have said the (literal) beatings they got were part of it – but even then it is the intent and lack of love that leaves a self-interpretation and causes the grief in said child not the actual beating. The beating is terrible but it is not what causes the actual lasting damage. It is the sin of the parent who has not dealt with their pain / lies and then acts out of that.
As you may know I come from many addictions & problems based on identity issues from my childhood, I’m married to an ex-addict, all my friends were addicts of some kind and I have counselled many of the same with deep hurts. I can say based on my experience that smacking in & of itself is not what cause drug addiction! The deep lies that people believe about themselves are things like ‘I am worthless’ ‘There is something wrong with me’ ‘I am nothing’ and a lot of the time the beliefs come from normal looking situations – dad or parents too busy, parents never happy with their children’s achievements, being pushed into a certain job / activity, parents emotionally distant etc etc. Sure I get the privilege to minister to people who have had abuse (physical / sexual) or deep trauma (watched someone close die etc) but the causes are very rarely the physical act – but often is the failure of the parent(s) to show love in discipline.
But to all, no matter what, Jesus can bring incredible, complete and lasting healing.
I hope this answers your question – again I’m not a model parent or expert in these things 🙂
Conclusion: Smacking is a legitimate part of teaching a child consequences in the context of a loving and trusting relationship. Failure to build trust and train a child or angry parenting / violence will often lead to rebellion, relationship perversions / issues and addictions.
Lord, please gives us wisdom, grace and peace as we train our precious ones to interact healthily in our society. Help us to model how you are to them and help us to respond to You in the right ways. Please help us to be open & honest with You, ourselves and our children.