Lying face down on my bed this morning, unable to get up, this thought was prevalent in my mind:
How far have I fallen?!
Only a few short months ago, I was able to work & build, run a business and took on the role of trying to run a church during Covid. Trying to do 100’s of admin things I had not done before. I was up early each Sunday, preparing our house for people to come and have ‘church’. After preparing a sermon all week I would be praying & mulling over what I might say, while trying to be attentive to my wife and children. You know putting them first before ministry or serving others. At least that was my goal…
But here I am, just a few months later, unable to cope with the pain and literally in tears. Very unusual for someone like me who, most of my life, has avoided all emotion. Using drugs & alcohol to mask what lay buried, waiting to dominate. But that wasn’t all – sure the drugs & alcohol helped me avoid & escape & cope with life from 4pm onwards (Beer’o’clock as it was fondly known). But during the day, I used other methods, growing a business, working on cars, building, being crazy – *anything* – to keep my mind distracted.
But for the last few months I have been unable to do much at all. Nothing actually…
Only able to be upright for very short periods, and even then needing crutches. For someone as active as me, only being able to be upright for a total of 30 minutes in a day is killing me. Literally. And the medication?
Crazy. Totally against my ideal, not even wanting to drink coffee due to it’s negative health & mental effects, but being forced to take a cocktail of mind altering, liver killing, nausea causing tablets. Unable to handle the pain at times even with them.
As Sharmini has said a number of times in this last season ‘God is stripping you to nothing’. I can’t build, I can’t work, I can’t drive, intimacy & even cleaning myself no longer can be taken for granted. But it’s not even these things that are causing the tears today.
I have been made aware this morning of my incredible lack emotionally. Due to the pain I am desperately trying to escape and run – away from the very people who can and have helped. Trying to keep my mind entertained or focussed to be able to bare the pain. All my relationships have suffered. Unable to think clearly or in desperate pain, the last thing I want to do is see people. And for the people who are here all the time, I have nothing to give. My wife & children: as always it is those who are closest that suffer the most.
A huge change for all of them and today I see it clearly just how much they are missing out on. Why can I see it today – why am I emotional? Moment of clarity? Affects of medication or essential oils from last night? Or is God revealing something? I did have a prayer ministry session the other day that was huge but that’s for another time…
Surely God isn’t in this? Surely if it were Him doing something, I would be feeling great or better? Surely I would have faith for Him to do something? Surely it would be the result of me ‘being good’ or spending time with Him or praying or fasting or or at least *something*? But the reality is I have been running from God.
I know He is there. I know all about Him, I know Heaven & hell are real. I know what He says is right & wrong… But as far as an intimate relationship with the Father of Creation, my Daddy, it is nowhere.
Sure I have cried out in the pain & asked Him to heal me. Sure I pray before meals & over the children before bed. Sure we do ‘church’ each week. Sure I pick up my Bible *sometimes*. But I am not an image of a dynamic or rich or intimate relationship with God at the moment – far from it.
Two hours ago, I received a text message that highlighted some things. A spiritual father figure, a pastor and friend. He was sharing about his day & what he was going to preach on etc. In it he shared about drinking hot milk & honey some mornings and my mind was drawn instantly to a time where I did the same.
I was in a coaster bus, living at the base of Peak Charles near Kalgoorlie with my only companion, Max, a bully x German Shepherd. I was on a trip to end the pain & addiction for good (thankfully God had different plans).
Being in the middle of winter it was cold, really cold. My only warmth was to heat up some UHT milk & the only thing I had for flavour was honey.
I remember the smell and the feel of this warm drink but the main thing I could see that this was the *only* time in my life where I had stopped for long enough to enjoy a leisurely hot drink.
I talked to Max and I talked to God but not out loud. In fact after a few weeks I remember being shocked at the sound of my own voice. I was completely isolated – but I tried to connect – I listened. Unknowingly I had positioned myself for relationship, with a God I didn’t think existed or cared.
I had never learned how to sit or listen or connect as a child. I always had something more important, more urgent, more fun. I could be productive!
But as my body started to give way from the abuse, as my mind could no longer stay on top, as I realised I was at the end of the alcohol road, I was literally forced to stop. And, through no planning of my own, here I was in this short season, having a hot drink.
As I thought about the text I could imagine this person, routinely sitting with his dad / parents / grand parents and talking over a hot drink. And, as much as I would have hated it, it is exactly what I likely needed. Relationship.
This man, who owes me nothing, has for years tried to show me love in a healthy way. And boy did I react badly! I saw him as over emotional and needy. Everything in me reared up against him and I really hated it. Like HATED it. Real bad. I remember at times getting so angry just because he phoned or text me. I had spent a lifetime avoiding relationships that didn’t *feel* right.
I pursued other relationships – ones that felt good. Until they didn’t. Then I would move on to another one…what a mess.
But this morning I am acutely aware that it is the relationships that have been hard that have been beneficial for me. The relationships I *never* would have chosen or pursued are the ones that God has used to shape me.
The way this man has shown love consistently for over 10 years despite my pushing Him away & reacting at him. Who would have thought that God wanted me to become more like him? And of course my wife – it has been a long and very difficult road at times.
We were completely opposite in so many things. There was a huge amount of conflict & turmoil. Our totally opposing hopes, goals & ideals for marriage, parenting, living, church, ministry, everything.
Well, not everything – there was ONE thing that we had in common:
We both owed our lives to Jesus, and wanted to live for Him.
And on this difficult journey, trying to be obedient to Him no matter what, God has used this amazing woman to even me out. (And in many areas!) Amazingly, she says the same about me. As hard as it is for me to believe – it just proves: “Gods economy is amazing!”
So here, this morning, crying together as she lays hands on me, asking God for healing and help, we are united. Despite me being able to give her nothing, – absolutely nothing – for the last few months, despite my rejections and mistakes, despite being unable to even lead the family spiritually, here she is. Praying for me, praying over me, praying with me.
The extra burden on her has been intense. But here she is, understanding what I am going through. Going through it with me.
And today, for the first time in what seems like months, I am able to experience God’s love. Totally unconditional, faithful love. So powerful, yet incredibly gentle. And patient.
He has been waiting, waiting as I try to distract myself from pain, waiting as I put what little energy I have into trying to earn money to paying bills, waiting as I avoid Him, and then, when I finally do respond to His love, there is no mention of my lack – just gratitude and love. Amazing. Mind blowing. Soul Calming. Spirit strengthening. Here, right here, is where God wants me.
I have not fallen, God has finger on me. It. is. HEAVY!
I can’t even squirm. Seriously the pain builds all through my body from lying in one position but even moving a little is excruciating. Please, if you are listening, STOP and allow God to work on you. Develop your relationship with Him before you go through anything like this! Stubbornness against God is not worth it.
After Sharmini’s prayer – I am able to connect and share with her what is really going on for me. This is rare. And this is part of the point. This real part of me I spent a lifetime ignoring, hiding, suppressing, medicating, this part of me, needs healing. Even more than the collapsing discs in my spine. My back condition is directly related. It is the visible image, the tangible pain, caused by the invisible issues.
If I had dealt with those things earlier, I would not have abused my body so much. I would still be able to work (and even walk!).
But boy it does not feel nice accessing some of this stuff. The pain of rejection, the pain of certain things that happened, recognising my failure in relationships, admitting my responsibility for not being the husband or father I should be. It was difficult to face up & explain to the family. But if I want my children to be open & honest with me, I have to be too right? I don’t even know if what I said made sense…
Today has been very different for me so I want to thank all of you who have prayed (and are praying). I am aware today that He is doing things despite my inability and even using my disability for His purpose. At times I really think I can’t go on and am close to presenting to ED. With the surgery cancellation, it is now a waiting game with each day worse than the last.
I am at the end of myself, right where the cliche says God is. And He sure is. Wow!
I am unable to hold on to Him in any way shape or form, but He is holding on to me. And as desperate as I am for healing, the ability to work again or just some relief, I know that He is doing (and will do) what is best for me, despite my kicking & screaming. His love demands nothing less.
My encouragement for anyone who wants to listen, anyone is going through a hard time, is to open up to God. Properly. Don’t hide anything – He will get to it eventually anyway! Let Him access those painful parts. The parts you normally hide. And recognise the people God is wanting to use in your life. They will love Jesus too. They will pray for you and encourage you to go to Him when you are low. They will stand in the gap for you – and when they are down you will be able to do the same for them.
A couple of scriptures deeply impacted me today:
For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters Romans 8:29 (NLT)
The word knew hit me.
In some translation it says “predestined” ie God elected people in advance. But the true meaning in Greek was far more intimate. It’s not just God knowing which people He would allow into Heaven, but stating that God knew them personally.
He cares for people immensely and desires to *know* them. Intimately, in the present, right here, right now. That includes you.
He saw you, He thought you up, before the world was Created, but He sees you, right here, right now. And He *loves* you. He loves you so much, that He sent His only Son to die for you.
The penalty for every wrong against God you have ever committed has been paid. You can be totally clean and forgiven, made completely pure, in God’s sight by trusting in what Jesus accomplished on the cross.
But, on top of that, He wants to know & walk with you intimately. And He cares so much, that He will put people in your life that He will use to refine you & heal you. And it may be the people who annoy you and grate against you. People different to you. People who are a bit unbalanced. People just like you.
God can use them to help you and heal you, even when it doesn’t feel good. And He can use you to help and heal them. That’s God’s economy. In His wisdom He sees and knows what we need.
If you *follow* Him, He will use all things for your good. He will slowly but surely transform you into a new person – someone He sees as clean and even as a brother or sister of Jesus! That’s right, adopted into the very family of God…once you experience this truth, you can’t look back. It is simply mind-blowing, though the transformation is far deeper than just the mind!
The second scripture was Lamentations chapter 3. In so many ways, the prophet Jeremiah, who boldly proclaimed things that seemed impossible (but all came true to the letter), describes what I am experiencing. He suffered for speaking out for God. I am suffering due to my own actions, but it is the same loving Father who authored it all. The same truth, thousands of years later, thousands of kilometres, in a totally different culture and setting, still applies. If you are going through a valley, I encourage you to read the whole chapter. As always, the Bible has the answer…
God has shot his arrows deep into my heart.
He has filled me with bitterness and given me a bitter cup of sorrow to drink.
He has made me chew on gravel. He has rolled me in the dust.
Peace has been stripped away, I cry out, “My splendor is gone!
Everything I had hoped for from the LORD is lost!”
The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words.
I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this:
The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!”
The LORD is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him.
So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the LORD.
And it is good for people to submit at an early age to the yoke of his discipline:
Let them sit alone in silence beneath the LORD’s demands.
Let them lie face down in the dust, for there may be hope at last.
Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them and accept the insults of their enemies. For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.
May we submit to His hand, dare to hope in His faithfulness and depend on Him.
What else do we have?
#thankYouJesus #marriage #Godlywife #thechurch
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