Admitting that to the police was probably not the best thing to do…
I was reminded this morning of the first time I was arrested for dealing drugs, some ‘trivial’ events stood out in my mind. It wasn’t so much the police, the handcuffs, the being locked in the paddy wagon. But the actions of a ‘clean skin’ – a person who had never used drugs but was present and essentially dobbed himself in.
Let me back up a bit. This morning I had a ministry session…
When weakness is strength…
I had been feeling slightly tense and irritable yesterday – and in the session I went to a memory of when I was about 12 years old. I was walking my dog and a large Doberman appeared and approached (or possibly attacked) me. I felt tense and tried to prepare myself for whatever was about to happen.
As it turns out, I didn’t need to do anything – my dog (a non aggressive labrador retriever) lunged and attacked the Doberman with ferocity. She had never done that before and I never saw her do it again. But I didn’t think much of it – the danger was over. I recall being excited and even bragging in the re-telling of the story to others.
But the important bit for this session, was this tiny ‘slice’ of the memory where I had a deep fear before my dog attacked. I took on false beliefs and made a decision (or vow) to be ‘strong’ protect myself with tension and aggression. This belief became a hidden but very normal practise for me in many, many situations and things often did not turn out well.
The session quickly progressed to other memories where, in this period of my life, I started hanging around an older boy. He also liked adrenalin – and I had an increasing desire to do illegal things. A memory came of us jumping peoples fences and then breaking a small greenhouse. I had an awareness that someone was trying to catch or get us. I do not recall if if was the home owner, the police or someone else.
Again in this moment, a deep fear of so much more than just being caught was evident. In a slight panic I did what I needed to do to get away, to survive.
As the session progressed, as per normal, God addressed many lies I had come to believe in times like these. Things like “I am Alone” and “I am going to die” resulted in fear and led me to developing self-protect (or guardian) lies. Things like ‘No one else will protect me so I must be strong & fight’ again became a ‘normal’ part of the way I handled life.
God dealt with these things in these memories so that in those moments I felt no fear – total peace and calm. I now had an awareness of Him being with me, protecting me and a also a new deep desire to not do the bad things. It is amazing the areas that growing up with a non present father can affect. Just an awareness of the Heavenly Father being there changed everything!
For instance – in the moment where the dog protected me I could see that is was God using the dog – the dog was not the ‘saviour’. Funnily enough, when I was dealing drugs and doing illegal things, I had many, many aggressive dogs – another hidden (false) belief that the dog would protect me, but all along it was God!
The key was God was there, He was protecting me and I was never alone. I am continually amazed at the many, many places where this was the case that God keeps revealing to me.
In re-visiting the memory where I had broken the greenhouse, here I am standing in broken glass, about to be caught. Instead of an intense fear & a panic like response, I have a peace that can’t be described. And my urge? Not to run and escape but to calmly try to explain to the person that we were being silly, foolish and I would pay for the damage. The fear was gone. The desire to confess and make things right was tangible. How weird!!
Now, immediately after all this, the much later memory of being arrested came to mind. I guess I am 16-18 years old and I am being arrested for supplying drugs. A friend from school had been present and had (possibly for hist first time ever) took a toke on a bong after (probably) much coercion. Details are sketchy due in part to the alcohol & drugs…
But here I was being led away – my guilt was obvious. No-one else needed to be busted, but here this guy is voluntarily telling the police he had taken some drugs.
I will never forget the level of disbelief and disdain I had.
‘What a stupid thing to do’
I thought this was crazy and ultimately weak. So weak that you would confess to the police something they didn’t know? Something they had no proof of – something that was totally out of character? A toke? For the first time? He didn’t even seem to like it – so likely would never do it again. Something they could charge him for = W E A K!
But now, today, in this session I see the exact opposite. He had a conviction and the strength to face it and do the right thing. This was the same thing I could now see as the natural response once I knew God was with me in these memories.
Here, locked in the back of a police car, I was in fear, I was tense and being arrested for dealing. This guy on the other hand had the peace and strength to face a conviction that he held voluntarily. I don’t know his family background, but I can see that he had far more strength and identity than I did, the opposite of what I arrogantly thought back then.
I was wrapped up in fear, trying to feel good, desperate for approval – and it led to worse and worse scenarios, especially with the police.
It is amazing to think that in these seemingly small and long forgotten memories in my life, ‘small’ and hidden lies were planted that led me down many wrong paths. Subtle and powerful, the belief that ‘you are alone’ has huge ramifications. It changes the way you think about situations, self, others – nearly everything. Operating out of fear never ends well – a fact I could reiterate with hundreds of stories.
But even more powerful? Knowing that God is with you! Not ‘only’ the Creator of the universe with unlimited power, but also a perfect, loving, forgiving Father. One who loved me despite my faults and was willing to be with me right here right now.
Imagine a life where you know this to be true – not just head knowledge but an actual experiential, real, living awareness of His presence, provision and protection? Every day, every moment… Wow. Power FULL!
Jesus reminds us of this:
“I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”
Matthew 28:20
And because of that, He can assure us:
I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.
John 14:12 (NLT)
The reality of Him being with us is one that God wants to bring His people to, even if their childhood has taught them different.
I’m very thankful today for the truth that Jesus brings – even if it is 30 odd years later at times!
Conclusion: We need to *know* that God is with us, will protect us and will provide for us. Knowing this changes EVERYTHING!
PRAYER: Lord, may we be honest with ourselves and You – and deal with the issues that lie hidden. May we have the courage to deal with the negative emotions and issues that affect us daily and thwart our attempts at living with and for You. Lead us, strengthen us and reveal Your truth to us – not because we deserve it, but because Your Son died to purchase the privilege for us. Thank You.
NOTES: I