If you have grown up with parents who were not present, had unrealistic expectations or were discouraging, you may be aware of your internal desire to please people or gain their approval.
Often, (ironically1It’s actually not irony, we often get attracted to, (or turn a bind eye to the actions of) suiters who are like our childhood role models), we end up with people who are labelled ‘narcissistic’ and rarely offer encouragement.
Trying to live up to impossibly high standards can be *so* demoralising. Depleting – even crushing. Trying so hard to meet or pass the expectations – to hear those soul uplifting words “Well Done!”
Well Done!
When our efforts go unnoticed, or worse get cut down with criticism, we are left feeling flat, believing we are unloved and unimportant. Normally, at least for a while many will try to ignore it and do better, but there comes a time when we give up or, worse, get bitter, resentment builds until there is an explosion or separation.
The Bible puts it:
“The human spirit can endure a sick body, but who can bear a crushed spirit?” – Proverbs 18:14 (NLT)
This is often where each partner blames the other, labels are thrown around and battle lines get drawn. You will know people in this phase – they are everywhere. The blame and names that they throw around for their (previous) partners make it easy to spot the wounds and hurt. Unfortunately, it is difficult to be able to get the wounded person to see any of it is their fault.
It is so much easier to believe we are in the right and that all the fault lies at the feet of that narcissist / selfish / demanding / unreasonable / stupid person over there!
The truth is though, that it is never normally all one persons ‘fault’… For those who grew up without encouragement, they often don’t receive encouragement even when it is given. Such is the way a wounded heart keep leaking – it is a constant effort to stop the leaks and fill it up. The pressure on the other person can be intense: not able to be honest with appraisal, even small areas of growth or change can’t be discussed without offence, living on egg shells is not fun for anyone.
Ironically, this person will actually start to impose and transmit the very same feeling to the other. The partner will never be able to be encouraging enough to ‘fill’ or ‘fix’ the one they love. Eventually they will stop trying – and even if this is the only issue in the relationship, it is enough to lead to complete breakdown.
If you see yourself in either side of this in a relationship (past or present), feel free to contact us for some easy & clear keys to help. Sign up to be notified of follow up articles as this will likely be a topic covered at some point.
But as a general rule for both parties in any relationship is:
Look at your own faults, work on them 2Ministry can make huge differences here https://wildeden.com.au/ministry & share honestly with your partner. Encourage them & don’t point out their faults / failures unless they ask. And even then a good idea is to use the sandwich method 3 “Encouragement, Address Issue, Encouragement . Trust me I hate it and struggle to remember, but it really does help.
When your best is NEVER good enough…
There is one time when falling to measure up can lead to an incredible sense of love and gratefulness:
There is One whose standard is so high, we can never and will never measure up. Not. Even. Close.
You would think that this would lead to dejection, pressure and guilt, but the opposite is true! You see the Creator of the Universe is the actual definition of perfection, holiness and righteousness. He has never and new will do wrong. He has over 600 laws that describe elements of some of His standard.
We can never, never, measure up.
Although He has the right to, although we deserve it – He doesn’t rub our nose in it. He doesn’t condemn us. He doesn’t abandon us. Instead, He send His Son to pay the price for our mistakes & failures!
Jesus, who Himself was & is God, who was & is perfect, came to earth for this very purpose. More than a cute story from history of a good moral teacher, this God-as-man live without sin. Then, because He died sin free on a tree (the cross), the sin of all the world was thrust on Him 4One of the laws of the universe that God put in place (like gravity), stated that anyone who was hung on a tree became cursed (sin). But Jesus had no sin, so it created the most efficient vacuum of all time! You sin & mine has been paid for. IN FULL! To access this pardon, we must simply put our trust in it & turn away from our sin & selfishness. If this is something you sense you need to do, please contact us.
We look at our failure(s), our sin, and He shows us unconditional love, unlimited grace and complete forgiveness! So much so, that when God looks at us (those that are Christians, not people who are religious), He sees the perfection of Jesus! #mindblowing.
Far from being left dejected, we experience true joy. 5David also spoke of this when he described the happiness of those who are declared righteous without working for it:
“Oh, what joy for those
whose disobedience is forgiven,
whose sins are put out of sight.
Yes, what joy for those
whose record the LORD has cleared of sin.” Romans 4:6-8 (NLT) and this true joy empowers us for life6Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the LORD is your strength!” Nehemiah 8:10 NLT. In fact, it often becomes the foundation for us living selflessly & not needing the approval or encouragement of others 7No, a true Jew is one whose heart is right with God. And true circumcision is not merely obeying the letter of the law; rather, it is a change of heart produced by the Spirit. And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people. Romans 2:29 (NLT) ! #transformational!
So, if you need encouragement: Look up! Look to the One who loves to forgive. The One who gives everything in exchange for all our failure & mess…
Lord, help us to see our own faults & not focus on the faults we see in others. Help us to be honest with ourselves and you. Please let our hearts respond with thanks to You as we experience Your love & grace. And from that place, may we encourage others, especially when we notice they have failed.
Footnotes:
- 1It’s actually not irony, we often get attracted to, (or turn a bind eye to the actions of) suiters who are like our childhood role models
- 2Ministry can make huge differences here https://wildeden.com.au/ministry
- 3“Encouragement, Address Issue, Encouragement
- 4One of the laws of the universe that God put in place (like gravity), stated that anyone who was hung on a tree became cursed (sin). But Jesus had no sin, so it created the most efficient vacuum of all time! You sin & mine has been paid for. IN FULL! To access this pardon, we must simply put our trust in it & turn away from our sin & selfishness. If this is something you sense you need to do, please contact us.
- 5David also spoke of this when he described the happiness of those who are declared righteous without working for it:
“Oh, what joy for those
whose disobedience is forgiven,
whose sins are put out of sight.
Yes, what joy for those
whose record the LORD has cleared of sin.” Romans 4:6-8 (NLT) - 6Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the LORD is your strength!” Nehemiah 8:10 NLT
- 7No, a true Jew is one whose heart is right with God. And true circumcision is not merely obeying the letter of the law; rather, it is a change of heart produced by the Spirit. And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people. Romans 2:29 (NLT)