Why I was thinking about drugs at church today.
I was thinking this morning about how participation in an activity can make all the difference in our experience of a situation.
In the setting I was in (‘church’), it might seem very strange for my mind to be on drugs, but it was, at least briefly.
My mind went to times where I have been in large groups of people, all standing around smoking drugs, playing pool, darts or whatever just having a ‘fun’ time together.
One regular picture came to mind, where I had come to a group of people already in this state and knew each other well. Despite not knowing them, I would be welcomed in and treated very, very well. Why? Simple: I had the drug they wanted.
I felt important, happy, accepted. I had found ‘my crowd’. I still remember a lot of these guys with fondness, though now also a lot of sympathy for those who are still alive.
Among this group there was much common ground – the clothes they wore, the music they listened to and of course, the drug they loved. But there were some deep differences.
Looking around, some would smoke joints, some would pull bongs or lungs or buckets. Some would ‘mull up’ with baccy (tobacco) others would simply push part of a bud in.
But one thing amazed (and even angered) me: Some people were wasting smoke!
If they mulled it up they would suck it through the bong so fast that half would end up in the water. Others would only inhale briefly and breathe it out again after only a few seconds. Still others actually refused and didn’t want *any* (more)?!
As someone who would try to get every single tiny bit of the smoke, I couldn’t fathom this. From slow burning, to holding the smoke for as long as possible to scraping the stem & filtering the bong water, I wanted to get every single ‘benefit’ out of the smoke. Resin, stem, seeds, cookies – I wanted as much THC as I could get, and as often as possible. Joints on the way to pick up or drop off, regular stops for bongs, shouted sessions with buckets and lungs – it was none stop 24-7.
Looking back I can see I was totally and utterly lost, unaware and unable to deal with the hidden pain, incapable of receiving (or giving) love and determined to escape, no matter the cost. And the cost was high (🤪): memory, health, constant issues with the law and much associated stress.
But some others in those groups or situations didn’t need the drug and wasted it. Sometimes they had a little to fit in or get a slight high, others tried to look like they wanted it and pretended to have heaps, boasting, but it was often wasted.
Still other people I knew *never* wanted any. They refused point blank to even try it. Often they didn’t stay long in these groups & eventually I lost contact with all I knew who were straight.
They simply could not understand the draw, the fun, the experience of this seemingly harmless drug.
And here lies the point. I could try to explain it. I could use those who were high as examples: (’look how much fun they are having’) – but until they took a toke because they wanted it (not to impress or fit in), they did not understand.
And here, today, the same is true.
I am in my games room. My heart is about to burst. So filled with joy and wonder and peace and gratitude that I am literally in tears.
My mind is thinking about so much, memories of childhood, memories where wrongs have been done to me, others where I have done wrong to others, things I have missed out on, current failures (and there is lots of them). But none of it holds me captive. It is all just a retrospective look with heartfelt thanks at the One who now I can worship freely.
The One who has allowed x, y and z and now I can see why, despite years of disillusionment and anger, it was all part of a perfect plan.
And here today, with children present, my desire is far greater than years ago. My mis-directed drive to get people to try / use / buy drugs was great (and utterly pathetic).
But now? These children here who look up to me, who see my faults, who are the brunt of my downfalls – my heart is for them to experience the One who has set me free. For them to ‘take a toke’ for themselves – not on a pipe of death but from the Spirit of God whose ‘smell’ is sweet and whose reward is pure life.
My human reaction is to force or persuade, which has the opposite effect. I remember clearly so many times, bringing addicts into a church and wanting God to ‘hit’ them. To free them. So they would experience Him for themselves. God would always say the same thing: ‘Adam – you just worship Me. Come and be with Me, I will do the rest’. And He would.
So, please, please please excuse my tears.
Please excuse my hands raised in the air.
Please excuse me while I bow down.
Please excuse my out of tune singing. And incorrect lyrics.
But I am with my Dad. You know the One who created the world. The One who knows my thoughts, my pains, my failures yet *loves me anyway*. Deeply. Unconditionally.
Excuse me while I connect with the one who has made it all make sense.
#thankYouJesus
My prayer today is that you will ‘take a toke’ – actually allow yourself to experience the love of God. To put your focus and attention and effort and time to the One who will never let you down.
Your life may get more difficult: to start with He asks you to turn away form many things that have ‘helped’ you cope. But He will be with you every step of the way. And He will do it when the time is right. And what you experience with Him will last forever.
#perfectFather.