‘Dad I’m getting married – do you want to come?’
“Adam I never wanted children – I still don’t – please don’t contact me again”
The above was a real conversation I had with my dad over the phone a week or so before I was married in 2003. It is the last time I have spoken to him – I don’t know if he is still alive, in jail or whatever. I have respected his wish and, unfortunately, I understand his desire…
Fathering is hard. Giving your all, protecting, training, encouraging, teaching, disciplining, providing – and much more – is all very difficult, especially when you have had none of it yourself. I remember that conversation clearly – as well as my ‘numbed response’ to his words.
At some level I longed for a father figure – I wanted someone to care about me, love me, be involved – but at another level I had no idea what that was like and even the idea would have been unsettling had I thought about it.
I reacted badly – very badly, against any sense of authority. One of the many vivid examples of this was against the police. One of the first times I got pulled over with a drivers license, I was doing about double the speed limit. I went absolutely nuts at the policeman – yelling & shouting at him. I look back now & think that was a miracle – he was easily within his rights to arrest me. But he said something like ‘you really have a problem with authority’ and let me go.
I remember being bewildered about why he didn’t arrest me – but more than that, this anger that arose unexpected at him / them in the first place. I think God had a hand in that interaction (and many. many more) as I really think me going to jail would have been disastrous for me.
I had many painful experiences throughout life growing up without a father in early years – so many that I had learned (very well) how to ignore, hide and bury the pain…or so I thought.
Anyone could say anything to my face – they would get no reaction, I would brush just brush it off – verbal attacks, physical violence – whatever – I would not let it affect me. I could bury it, laugh, make a joke, keep going, keep being the life of the party so to speak. I had learned to not let emotions control me – not let others have the upper hand. I had learned that to act / react emotionally would lead to punishment…so I buried it.
Underneath, things simmered – but I had no idea. I didn’t know why I wanted to drink all the time – I didn’t care that I used drugs, I was unaware of how wrapped up in my own success I was, didn’t think it was out of the ordinary to desire and treat women so badly and had no idea that all of this was leading to major physical problems.
The drugs and alcohol had obvious effects – as did the motorbike accidents – but more subtle was the damage I was doing to my back, while working tirelessly to succeed.
“Dad I’m getting married – do you want to come?”
“Adam I never wanted children – I still don’t – please don’t contact me again”
Back to the conversation about my up-coming wedding – the words didn’t really have much of an effect. “Oh well – one less person to worry about”. It got less of a reaction than when other ‘father figures’ let me down. That is not to say there was no effect – just that it took 11 years to experience!
I had only met my dad a few years before this conversation – I grew up not knowing he even existed. then around 21 I received a phone call out of the blue one day from someone saying “Hi, it’s Kim, I’m actually your dad”. My step dad had made some (unknown to me) enquiries to find him.
We arranged to meet at the pub – and to be honest I think expected something to change – maybe an ‘aha’ moment or some resolution – something. But when I saw him, it was just like someone who looked familiar despite never meeting.
We got on alright, played pool, got drunk & that was it. I actually don’t remember if I saw him or spoke to him again until after I had a major life-changing event.
Amazingly, my life modelled his exactly – I was an acute alcoholic and workaholic – I was living at work (literally) and had many problems with the police – and a love of driving. I had a cancelled licence as did he. From memory he had been jailed for driving offences, and I nearly was a few times too.
Problems began to accumulate for me, until in 1999, I decided to end my life. I would go on a trip, live it up, have fun and then when money ran out or I had enough, I would end my life. I wasn’t sad or nervous, it fact it seemed like the only option & I was at (what I would call at the time) peace.
But on the trip to end my life something amazing happened…
I could fill a book with the process and miracles of this trip – but put simply, I became a Christian.
After going to end my life, God spoke to me through the Bible and opened my eyes to the fact that He was my Father and all my heart and actions (sin) were against Him. (No wonder I was having trouble!)
I was shaking my fist at the God who gave me life and I was convinced did not exist.
Everything changed that day – I stopped drinking and started living a totally different life. I prayer for other people, I talked at church, started a youth group to help other kids, even tried to host a Christian radio program (total flop lol).
When I came back from this trip, I wanted to talk to my biological dad about God. If anyone needed a father it was him!
I remember going to see Him once after this event – I told him about Jesus and what had changed for me.
I told him I didn’t hold it against him that he left me to suffer in cult I was brought up on, by my well-meaning mum.
I remember seeing tears in his eyes, and pretty sure I met an aunty and heard of another aunty who was a ‘religious nut’ (like me) :). But then that was it I think – i don’t think we had any more contact until a few years later when I was about to be married.
Just before the wedding I made the call and he told me he never did want me, he still didn’t and I shouldn’t contact him again.
Shortly after the wedding I realised that marriage is hard and so was living ‘straight’. Even harder was being accused and attacked and having to leave the church we were married in…
We thought we would die in that church, under that pastor. Another father figure who could not fulfil what I needed. More hurt, more rejection – and again little to no reaction. When I decided to leave that church, with the pastor verbally abusing my wife, I showed no reaction, no anger, no violence, but I was very disillusioned about church and the role and sincerity of pastors etc.
We were left alone, by the people who called us friends and struggled to survive with extreme sickness and no idea how to parent a new baby. We isolated ourselves and, like many wounded people set out to help and rescue others, with food and eventually the goal of starting a drug rehab.
Although God used it to help others, the journey took many painful twists and turns, for brevity we’ll fast forward to today, 2015.
At times, I have been aware that I, like my biological father, want to leave. When the pain starts to rise, the rejection, the conflict, the failures, internally I want to run. Find a place that feels better – where I am successful, liked or encouraged.
But that is something I could never do. I know what it is like to be left in the lurch – so I need to deal with this stuff or at the very least just grit my teeth & bear it.
Last night, I had prayer ministry – as I do most weeks. God has been dealing with incredible stuff and has changed me dramatically in many areas. This time, I went to this very memory where my dad said ‘don’t contact me again’.
The interesting thing – there was rejection and hurt – I had just ignored it. There was emotion and pain that lasted from that final interaction of our ‘relationship’ – I had just hidden, suppressed and medicated it.
But, as always, when the Lord reveals His truth, there was an amazing change that took place.
First of all repentance that I had looked to humans for comfort, put pressure on them to fulfil my wants and needs and an acceptance of His Fathering. In that moment He loved me – He forgave me – and revealed so much about my dad that it was incredible.
I could speak for a while on what He revealed but that is not my intention. This was His revelation to me for that time – to bring repentance, to bring restoration – to draw me closer to being His son and it is not for anyone else. It is not to be lived from or for, indeed it may not mean much to you. But it did to me – and I didn’t even know I needed it!
And here is my point – we often don’t know what we need and even if we do, we can’t provide it: our fathers, no matter how perfect or faulty, can’t either. But the Father of creation can! He is a Father to the fatherless, He is loving, forgiving and faithful – and He longs for you to know Him.
His love is always available – though we often live opposed to it – we live for ourselves and serve ‘foreign gods’ – no wonder we are in a mess. Let the mess of your life be an indicator that you need to turn your eyes upward to the Father.
This Father, though Holy, Righteous and Just (meaning you approaching Him with your sin or sinful nature would be an instant death sentence) also made provision for you to approach Him – Jesus.
He sent His only Son, to die a horrible death on the cross for you. So you could be adopted as a son. An heir. So you could approach God & say ‘daddy, daddy’ – while He is the Righteous Judge!
Imagine that – completely pure and clean before the King of Kings – because of Him and His love, not our own actions or thoughts – but based on His love, perfection and the sacrifice of His Son.
Trust Jesus today – forsake ‘your’ life and surrender to the only Father who is perfect.
Conclusion: We need our Father – whether we know it or not!
PRAYER: Lord, may we interact with You as our Father today. May we show Your love to others, reflecting your true heart to those you care immensely for. Thank You for your true and genuine love. Thank You for Your Son Jesus.
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