If it were possible to have less hope…
After a long, hard week with many failures, this morning I lay with pain in my body, a mild headache and a huge day ahead filled with activities I *really* didn’t want to face. I reflected on how different things are…
With deadlines approaching and the never ending list of jobs to do – completion of this project seems impossible – even futile.
How different things used to be!
I had numerous desires, goals and aspirations – and I worked *real* hard at attaining them. I had every expectation that I would succeed in my vision, attain what I wanted and even complete the projects I made for myself.
But I had no idea that I was not the one in control. These things were driving me, keeping me distracted from reality. The reality was that I had a lack of identity, no inner peace and was missing hope.
There is no way I could lie in bed, doing nothing, just pondering, just *being*. I couldn’t face the prospect of failure or, for that matter, the idea that I was not in control. And to face what I internally believed: that I was unloved and unlovable – rejected by even my own flesh & blood – would have been a sol destroying event. One I would work incessantly at avoiding.
When I look back I can see clearly I had no hope. None.
I remember what it was like – but it all seemed normal as I knew no different…
I had to continually fill my life with drugs, alcohol, girls, money, deals, friends – to escape the reality I couldn’t face. I was hopeless. I was a failure. I was nothing.
Such a sad reality I lived…
Goals ≠ Hope
Today, I lie here completely in peace and with a deep inner hope. Not in what may or may not happen, not is what I might achieve or complete – but in what has already been accomplished.
Knowing clearly (at least some of!) my many faults & failures, and not even knowing if I will ever be able to change them.
But an inner knowledge of being loved, not based on my value or worth, but on the very character of the One loving me. Being accepted not because of my actions, but on the actions of One many moons ago. Being a son of the One who created the universe!
I lie amazed at God’s incredible, faithful and unending love. Blessed with an incredible wife and amazing children. I am still alive and have the use of my body. And here I am in an unfinished house that is in itself a miracle.
Not sure of anything – let alone if there will be any more progress, but it doesn’t matter.
Life is what matters – and it isn’t contingent upon or wrapped up in things, achievements or self image. It is wrapped up in a person – Jesus Christ.
With Him I have everything, without Him I had nothing.
“In those days you were living apart from Christ.
You were excluded from citizenship among the people of Israel, and you did not know the covenant promises God had made to them.
You lived in this world without God and without hope.
But now you have been united with Christ Jesus. Once you were far away from God, but now you have been brought near to him through the blood of Christ.”Ephesians 2:12-13 (NLT)
Conclusion: With Jesus, I have everything