“Today, my wife and 6 amazing kids are wanting to bless me. Today it’s Fathers Day AND (more importantly) my 17th Christian birthday. 17 years ago today my old, empty ‘exciting’ life ended on a trip I went on to kill myself. But God had others ideas…”
A common belief in many of the circles I encountered was that smoking the seeds of the marijuana plant would make you sterile. I, for one, never wanted children so never removed them from any male heads I happened across – in fact quite the opposite.
I remember mulling up (chopping) seeds and leaf and smoking it just for fun on top of my usual sessions. I had embraced marijuana quickly and completely – now selling it to a number of people on my nightly rounds.
At each stop I would smoke more – with ready made joints along the way. Upon arriving ‘home’ (wherever I would be staying that night) it would often be copious amounts on top of what had already been consumed that night.
Although a lot of it is a blur – there were many, many crazy and illegal happenings with no regard for the next day, let alone years down the track. One thing was for sure: I never wanted kids – and anything that helped prevent this was welcome…
Seeds make you STERILE
If someone had asked me why I didn’t want kids I likely would have said that I didn’t want to be tied down, didn’t want the hassle or responsibility and didn’t want to make someone else go through this meaningless and painful life.
When I look back now though, I can see there were far deeper things at play – even if I wasn’t aware of them at the time.
While I led what looked like an incredibly exciting life – inwardly, in the places and times that no one else was allowed access – I was empty, lonely, bitter, sad, depressed, hopeless and suicidal. It was only the lure of success and the next big rush that kept me interested enough to stay alive.
The acceptance and esteem of the people I sold drugs to was no longer enough. The many cars, the money, the drugs, the alcohol, or even my pack of attack dogs – none of it captivated the same as it used to. It wouldn’t be long until I decided to end my life…
What I am describing is my life, 18 years ago. Every night I went out it was truly a miracle that I returned alive. Stealing, dealing, high speed chases, accidents, arrests, fights, drugs, alcohol – the bits I can remember make me shudder.
Today, 18 years later, I am married, have 6 children (to the same woman), live with very little money in old caravans. My life looks mundane in comparison – I get virtually no time to myself, have a lot of pain to deal with, and more responsibility than I ever would ever have chosen.
As a family we are building a house ourselves – a place where we can bless and help others (it is very hard work!), we homeschool and run a home based business. We have had (and continue to have) incredible trials to complete this project – but I wouldn’t change my life for the world.
Things are now reversed – my life used to look attractive, exciting and desirable from the outside – but internally it was depressing, stressful and empty. Now things look bad from the outside but internally I have everything and am fulfilled.
“Today, my wife and 6 amazing kids are wanting to bless me. Today it’s Fathers Day AND (more importantly) my 17th Christian birthday. 17 years ago today my old, empty ‘exciting’ life ended on a trip I went on to kill myself. But God had others ideas…”
On this trip as I got clean from drugs and alcohol, I started to read the Bible – and for the first time – it meant something much more than just positive to me. It spoke to me. It captivated me. It challenged me. It encouraged me. It led me to true love – a Father who loved me despite all my bad decisions and failures.
In fact He loved me so much that while I was like this He sent His Son Jesus to die for me. He loved me anyway!
To say that experiencing this truth is powerful beyond measure and changed (and changes) me is an under statement. To be cradled by the Creator of the universe is amazing (read more about that here), especially to someone like me who never had a father do that. My father left before I was born and I never met him until I was 19/20. I went to the pub with him, got blind drunk (he was an alcoholic too, having been jailed for repeat drink driving and banned for life from driving) and it meant nothing to me. Internally I thought a lot would change by meeting him but it didn’t.
After Jesus changed my life I went to see him – and his sister was there my aunty I guess. I told him about Jesus and what had happened to me. He told me he had another sister who was a nut case and off living in some Christian commune. I told him how hard my life had been because he left but forgave him for abandoning me and I saw tears well up in his eyes. I was now genuinely thankful for everything in my life as it could be used by God for good – I had compassion for many!
I didn’t know this would be only the second and last time I would ever see him. My life was busy and I had met the woman God wanted me to marry. A week or two before the wedding I phoned him to invite him to the wedding. He replied “Adam I never wanted children, and I still don’t. Please don’t phone me again”.
“Adam I never wanted children, and I still don’t. Please don’t phone me again”.
And that was that. In that moment I wasn’t sad or resentful – it was just a wounded man unable to face his pain or problems. It was years later before I was able to connect with what I truly missed in early childhood – but here and now I totally understood – I smoked the seeds! I never wanted to be a father either.
I had never experienced the power or connection of father and son. But now, today I regularly experience both. Not just a mental thing – but actual interaction with the Father or all, and with my amazing 5 sons and 1 incredible daughter. What a privilege…and mind blowing.
I am so thankful that those seeds didn’t do what people said they would, so thankful I stayed out of jail (I shouldn’t have), so thankful that the thousands of things that could have killed me didn’t, that my precious wife has put up with my weirdness and failures, that my children are so amazing and forgiving and that life really is worth living.
More that all that I am thankful that there really is a God in heaven who loves. Really Loves. And He wants to interact and show people that love in a real way – not just head knowledge- but experiences that literally reverse the pain of the past. Truly breaking the pattern or curse of family or hereditary things.
Conclusion: God the Father is all powerful, all knowing and LOVES…He is Daddy!
Happy Fathers Day!
PRAYER: Lord, may we connect with Your love and experience who you are today. May we respond to Your love.
NOTES: If you are wanting to end your life or depressed with no hope for the future PLEASE contact someone. There is help out there and you are worth it. Also know that if you die in your sin, you will end up in a very real hell that is inescapable. Seriously.
I know what it is like to have domineering thoughts that you are worthless – but you are worth more than you know right now. Seriously contact a friend or a free helpline, if you can’t, contact us. We are not qualified but happy to help in any way we can.