Nobody likes to be rejected, bullied or excluded. We all want be loved, accepted and included. It’s part of being human – we desire these things and feel good when they happen.
Growing up we should learn it in our family and we experience the effects (good and bad) in groups in kindy, the playground and school. We are normally told it is the right thing to do: include people in games and activities, share with people – accept and love them (you).
Some are better than others at this – some are downright rude and cruel, others try to include everyone but few go as far as One wise Man who said “love your enemies, do good to those who hate you” (Jesus) so at some point most of us have been excluded.
Most of us know what it feels like to be excluded and/or rejected. It feels terrible! And the pain or anguish we feel is proportional to how much we desire that love and acceptance from those people or that group.
For instance – we often don’t mind if a stranger ignores us when we are with a group of friends, and even the acceptance of peers at school or work means much less if we have strong family relationships.
If your mum and dad love you unconditionally, support you through everything and are interested in your activities – chances are you will value their acceptance and approval more than that of your friends.
But what if your parents don’t love you? Reject you, abandon you or even abuse you?
I know what a little of this is like: in a word it feels bad! Very bad and the underlying effects can be large.
When I was born, my dad decided he didn’t want me and left. My mum did the best she could but ended up in a commune style arrangement that did not communicate love to me – in fact quite the opposite. Without going in to details, I never felt loved, accepted or cherished.
In teen years I had many issues, pains, hardships, addictions and a very low self-worth. I don’t mean self esteem – that was high and I was popular in my small circles. I had learned how to be popular and accepted – even if a lot of this was negative attention from negative activities. I was often the life of the party and my house was set up as a party house with alcohol on tap and a dedicated drug room. There was always something happening that people were drawn to.
Inwardly however – when no one else was around, in those very few and far between short moments – I knew I was missing something. And something vital – so I searched.
And boy did I search – everything that made me feel good I pursued with a passion. Drugs, alcohol, theft, relationships, crime – I did whatever I thought was best. If I wanted it I went after it and got it – even in business…I can honestly say I got everything I wanted – but still I was unfulfilled.
Then one day the phone rang “Hi Adam I’m Kim – I’m actually your father”
My step dad had found my biological father and here he was on the phone. I had seen a photo of him but otherwise he was a stranger. I thought it would be interesting so we arranged to meet at the pub one day. That meeting happened in Greenwood sometime in 1998/99…
If someone had asked me just before I walked in “what do you think is going to change” I would have answered nothing. I had never missed him – it was just normal to me. I never had a dad & didn’t know what it was like to have one.
But deep down if someone had grilled me & cornered me – I would have had to admit I was expecting everything to change. Not consciously, but internally – I had a belief that “if I met him & he accepted me I would be ok or valuable” or something like that.
I walked into the bar and I saw him right away – he looked familiar sort of. We probably talked, might have played pool, but we both definitely got very drunk. What changed in me? Nothing. Just a stranger at the pub. We met a few times but it was not what I had internally hoped.
It wasn’t long after this I decided to end my life
I sold all my belongings and went on a trip. On this trip however I found true fulfilment in a spiritual epiphany with Jesus. But still some of these deep issues remained – they just had a new look from outside. Sure I wasn’t dealing drugs & stealing cars but I was still trying to earn my acceptance and popularity by the things I did…it just looked better.
We all have certain things that we believe will make us feel (or be) ok if they happen. Some of us who were rejected look for acceptance in every way and often don’t even recognise when we’re doing it.
Others who were ignored can become very loud and self focussed, those who were abused or put down can have a tendency to hide away, those never encouraged often become perfectionists or champions – trying to gain the ‘worth’ they were actually born with but never experienced.
Obviously the above is not a complete array of human responses to pain or suffering – but there is an underlying theme: Identity. And it crosses all boundaries – religion, skin colour, sexual preference, age, background – the outward indicators look different but the underlying heart is the exact same.
We were all born to be loved, protected, acknowledged, encouraged – to be important and significant, to have worth…but certain events, situations and people lead us to believe lies about ourselves.
These hidden identity lies can cause a huge amount of problems – and are rarely known consciously. Some common ones:
“I’m worthless”
“I’m bad”
“I am alone”
“I am weird”
There are thousands – as many as the resulting behaviours to try to mask they cause. And there are just as many pseudo answers – “you’re like this because you are…[insert well meaning definition here]…” And “you can get over this by…[insert activity, therapy, book, person etc here]…”
But these ‘answers’ mean little and the results (if any) only last while the energy and mental capability exist to sustain them. Often we project on to others, hoping, asking or even demanding that they do x,y or z to help us feel better – but none of it works in the long term. Relationships fail and families break down as we put the pressure of our own well being (or feeling ok) onto others.
There is hope – there is a way for us all to be relieved of these under-riding lies (and their over-arching effects), no matter how bad things get.
But please don’t be disillusioned, changing the definition of an institution won’t help, acceptance by certain people (or even a society) won’t help and submitting to a definition, cause or group won’t change.
We do not believe changing the definition of marriage to include you, will change what you believe inside about yourself. Even if the whole world says ‘we love you, we accept you, you are normal and ok” it will not help. Seriously I don’t say this to be mean or argue a point about the definition of marriage – look at the suicide rate around the world.
Suicide is rampant in your community and mine. And the statistics don’t change before or after legalisation, marriage redefinition or acceptance. There is something much deeper at work within you (and me!).
And religious or not, there is only One who can help you (Jesus) – not in an abstract religious sort of way – but a real interaction and communication with Your Creator. He made you, He knows you, He loves you – really loves you – and knows everything you have gone through.
Why did He let x, y or z happen to you? I don’t know – but there is a way to find out. He (and only He) can answer that – not in a cliche way either. Specifically.
I have witnessed a lot of people hear from Him directly and for the first time in their lives – realise, accept and even be thankful for the situations they always looked back on with hatred, regret and shame.
Once you know what God thinks of you, you will not need the acceptance of anyone – parents, friends, work mates or society.
Interested? Know this first though – your position is very, very serious.
If you are not a true Christian, you are actually under God’s wrath. What the Bible says about hell is true, it is a real place that all sinners will be banished to. By sinner I don’t mean ‘murderer’ or ‘homosexual’ – I mean a person who is born into sin (all of us) and anyone who has told a lie, stolen anything or lusted (among others).
It’s a very high standard – perfection – one that classes hatred the same as murder, lust the same as adultery and where treating ourselves or others as more important than God will leave us condemned.
You may not believe any of this – and you don’t have to for Jesus to speak and bring freedom to you. But you need to be aware that the true spiritual condition of your soul (under the wrath of a Holy God) is far more important than the way you feel – even if those feelings are overwhelming at times.
God does care and does want you to be free – HOWEVER – Jesus came to set you free from sin and restore you to God, not to give you a better human, carnal life.
Feel free to contact us if you would like to know more about this method (you can read more details here) but please know this. We care.
We offer this ministry to people in need – not for money or selfish gain, we don’t offer advice, judgement or help – we simply facilitate you getting to God and you hearing from Him what He thinks.
We care about your feelings, we want you to be loved and accepted but do not believe that re-definition of marriage will help you at all. We also believe that re-defining marriage will weaken that institution and lead to more children and people being disillusioned about their identity.
We will be voting no in the survey on redefinition – but this does not mean that think less of you, think you are bad, not invite you to dinner etc. We don’t think that your actions, faults or sin are any worse than our own – we too have need of the Saviour (Jesus) and need Him to change us. Get to know us and you will hear us talk about our faults & what Jesus is doing in us all the time.
We love you and care for what you go through. We believe different to you in the area of marriage but want the same thing – for you to feel loved, accepted and ‘ok’ – it’s just we have only experienced this in the arms of Jesus.
God Bless you
Conclusion: We all need the identity that God gave us – it’s only futile without Jesus.
PRAYER: Lord, may we turn to You for the comfort, truth and help with any issues we face. May we respond with love, care and wisdom to those who are hurting, no matter who they are or what they have done.
NOTES: I
If you need help or are suicidal, please talk to someone, call a hotline – a friend – anyone, right now. Death is final and you have more worth than you know. You are loved and special!
Lifeline: 131114 24 hours.
Lifelink: 08 9381 5555 / Free Country 1800 198 313 24 hours.
http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/australia-suicide-hotlines.html