It’s hard to believe that tomorrow I will be 16 years alive… To think that I haven’t been dead for 16 years, or served 16 years behind bars (the only two alternatives I could see), instead I have an amazing wife and 6 incredible children. I don’t deserve her and I don’t deserve their love…
I make mistakes all the time – a life that is far from easy, bad decisions, angry looks, outbursts, weird ways (I know it’s hard to believe but I have many! – yet *still* they love me. Each time I ask forgiveness they give it. And, thankfully, I am getting better – unrecognisable from what I was like 16 years ago!!
Many have said ‘well done’ for the changes but I don’t deserve the praise – it wasn’t me. I couldn’t give up drugs nor alcohol nor many other things that had me gripped. I was emotionally void – I only knew adrenaline, highs or anger. I had a massive problem with authority and a seething hatred towards anyone who was religious. Combine with a victim mentality and a continual depressed state…well you get the picture.
But when the love of the Heavenly Father first touched me – not only was I completely amazed (first off at the actual existence of a ‘God&rsquo and instantly changed forever. My biological father had left before I was born – never to make contact. Without knowing it, I had lived a life believing I was worthless – not worthy of someones presence – not worth staying for. I had no real connection with anyone – sure I wanted to help people & had empathy – but everything in my life was based on hidden emotional pain and need.
Suddenly I was presented with the reality that God existed – yes a being who created the very air I breathed. He gave me life and the ability to enjoy it – and I had continually dragged his name through the mud. Shaking my fist at Him in defiance and even convincing myself He didn’t exist. I hated – I mean HATED – His people and treated everyone as objects of my pleasure – everything was about me and what I got. I sinned against Him incessantly. As a dealing thief you’d think it was the ‘big’, ‘ugly’ things that were the worst – but it wasn’t. It was the seemingly small things – lying stealing lust hatred that suddenly overwhelmed me.
I was born in sin, stooped in it – grovelling and enjoying it – until this moment. Now I was caught red-handed without any way of escape or any chance of talking my way out. The consequences suddenly were clear – they lasted forever in a place I instantly knew existed and wasn’t a place to party on with old friends. As this blood chilling fear washed over me, it was strangely somehow combatted with an equally strong but almost opposite realisation and associated feeling…
I could see Jesus. Jesus, the perfect and only Son of this Father – had willingly died FOR ME. God loved me ANYWAY. He knew every thought, every word, every theft, every dealing, every fraud, every MOTIVE – He knew my hatred and disbelief of Him and STILL He loved me. he loved me so much He gave His One & only Son – for me!! Because of what Jesus had done, – He accepted me! Wow – indescribable…
Words could never express the depth of what I experienced over this couple of hours of my life – I was overwhelmed by the Father – and 16 years later I can safely say that was only a glimpse of His love. I was converted spiritually – touched emotionally and mentally like never before – (much more was needed!).
Thankfully God didn’t leave me after this initial ‘meeting’ – far from it. I was still me – but a new me (this happened Fathers Day 2000 in a place called…wait for it…NEWMAN!!) – I still had my 1000kmh personality and didn’t have much (some would say any!) grace. I preached and tried to help everyone and made many, many mistakes. Looking back I am horrified at what I told some people and the false hope it created. My experience was incredible and I just thought that was normal so thought that God would do that for everyone…but He didn’t. I couldn’t figure out why until He started to reveal in me that a lot of what I thought was being a ‘good son’ or ‘good christian’ was, in fact, dead deeds.
Sure I got lots of recognition from people in ‘the church’ – it was dynamic and led to lots of ‘growth’ – but it wasn’t affecting people in the long term. It was making followers of a religion / church / person – people who came for an agenda (often to get help for themselves) – but they weren’t being truly converted. From the outside it looked great but as Jesus said to those who seemed to have it together and had followers “you are white washed tombs”
The only way God could get my attention was through hardship. It all started after God told me to marry Sharmini. Things were amazing to start with – but as time went on, old insecurities started to rear their heads. As a previously abusive person we started getting counselling while also attending Bible college. Then Sharmini fell pregnant and was chronically ill at the same time we had to leave our church – we felt alone, mis-treated and disillusioned about what ‘church’ was.
We withdrew and struggled with our often conflicting parenting ideas and all our learned reactions of anger. This time was incredibly hard – we were alone and angry – disillusioned. No money, no support and going through Bible college which was intense…It was such a faith shaking time and hard to describe. But here in the midst of this, I saw something that floored me.
Sharmini asked me to settled our first born son. I’m guessing he was less than a year old and she couldn’t this time. I walked into his room – he was on the change table. As I approached, he looked into my eyes and EVERYTHING changed. His body language relaxed, his screaming stopped – to a quite whimper & then complete quiet. I said nothing, I didn’t touch him. In that moment I knew a number of things. Sure logic and my childhood told me children needed a present father…but in this moment it amazed me as to just how powerful my presence was to this little human. And I knew that I didn’t have this – I wanted it – I needed it! My soul had only ever responded that way once – on Fathers Day 2000 in Newman.
I knew the scriptures, I listened to preaching, I was eagerly attending Bible college, I was reading lots of books on emotional connection, healing etc, getting counselling from a fully trained ‘Christian’ psychologist – but nothing came close to this level of connection, intimacy and knowledge of myself and human nature / need.
It wasn’t until years later (years of service, sacrifice, trying and hardship I might add) that God led me to a ministry that enabled these deep seated and rooted things to not only be revealed, but to be dealt with by His truth. The growth and change has been incredible since then – but on the surface things look & feel worse at times. I am more aware of my faults & failures – yet He loves me! And this brings me back to the starting emphasis.
God loves.
His love is incredible and nothing like we are used to. He doesn’t love us more if we do this or that – if we are good or better, He loves because His very nature is love. His love is revealed when we look at what He has done for us. Sure it’s an incredible planet with matching ecosystem – sure life in & of itself is amazing and complex, but when you think about Him sending His Son Jesus to die for us while knowing our evil, disgusting, selfish hearts – now that is incredible!
Conclusion: God = Father = love
PRAYER: Lord, I pray we would all come closer to You and experience Your love and care today. May we experience the depths of Your love – just a little touch of You. Give us the strength to face the things that hinder our time with You – that we would determine to follow Your path to deal with these things so they no longer influence us away from You.
NOTES: Have a blessed Fathers Day – your effort and involvement in your childs life is more important than you will probably ever know…