A reflection and note to self about the importance of time…
Are we raising children, a house or an income?
People who are depressed (and especially those who are suicidal) are so focussed on themselves, they simply can not see that they have any worth – that others would care or that they are valuable to others.
This can be seen in a common theme in suicide notes “I want you to get on with life and be happy” – but they have just killed themselves when you read it – they can not see the sad effect they have or will have on you. They believe that simple words of ‘be happy’ will help. I’m hoping you release as you read this that these words do nothing for the pain of a grieving parent or sibling who has just found out their loved one was in so much pain that they took their own life.
It is often easy to see things so clearly for others and not for ourselves though. While it may be easy to see the effect ‘John Smith’ has on his family when he takes his own life, if may not be eas easy to see the effect that you or I have on those closest to us.
Let’s take an easy example – Money. A common complaint heard on death beds is “I wish I had spent more time with my family”. But the truth is – if they had their time over again – they wouldn’t. Why?
If you ask people what is the most important thing to them, more often than not you will get answers like: ‘family’ or ‘friends’. But if you ask those same people ‘where do you spend most of your time’ you will rarely see the two line up. Ask them what they spend most of their money on and you will see further discrepancies. Why?
Most people believe (correctly) that the money and possesions they accumulate here on earth, cannot be taken with them when they die. It seems however, that we all have hidden beliefs about, money (or provision in general), what we leave our children, our business legacy or success, our family heritage, our reputation, the new furniture, bigger TV, nicer house, better car and that some of it will make a difference.
A lot of the time, these hidden beliefs can dominate us, influence our decisions and mask the reasons why we work so hard, stay away from home for so long and miss out on so much of the lives of those around us that really are important to us.
THE EFFECT ON OTHERS:
I have often said that of the hundreds of people I’ve talked to with severe emotional problems, addictions and depressive traits or suicidal tendencies–most of the root of these things for most people is not some graphic or gruesome abuse but simply lies they believe about themselves based on what they have interpreted from the actions of those around them – especially while young and normally from primary caregivers. I’m not saying abuse does not happen as some things that people have had to endure are horrendous – but that the results of our spending too much time at work (or any other activity, ministry etc), disapproving words or looks, angry responses etc can be just as damaging to those we are entrusted to care for.
The evidence of the result of this is all around us in today’s culture. It seems the age at which children rely on their friends (instead of their parents) for advice, time, fun, help, teaching, encouragement and acknowledgement is getting younger and younger. I think it was Norm Wakefield that I recently heard say something like ‘if you don’t give your children to love acknowledgement and encouragement they need, there will be other people lining up ready to do that for the wrong reasons’. As we look further along the age scale at the teenagers and young adults and their futile (and increasingly bizarre) attempts to gain love and acceptance, we can see much hurt, pain, addiction, depression and suicide. Still further and we see more addictions (especially work, food, TV / escapism, charity, alcohol), sickness (which often has it’s roots in emotions), depression, stress, phobias, more suicide and isolation.
Everything we do has an effect on those around us – especially children.
Is a powerful reminder to me to spend more time encouraging more time acknowledging, more time playing with, more time praying with, more time praying for, more time reading with, more time reading to, more time listening to, more time teaching, more time mentoring– more time! with and for my children.
I don’t want to advocate the common misconception that ‘Time is a good indicator of relationship’ – because I do not believe this is the case. I believe firmly that trust in a relationship is a far better indicator. For instance, I may spend every single minute of every single day with a child but if he / she does not trust me, the relationship is not strong. But trust is built over time and through many experiences. What we have shown (not told) to the child about how important they are to us – whether they are more important than other things.
WHAT I SHOULD DO:
The way I treat them in every day life will leave a huge impact on them. When they come to me – are other things (TV, job, friends, cooking etc) more important? I am more interested in getting this job done, having the room clean / neat, having the food a certain way, than I am to have them near and hear who they are and what is important to them? Is working for this money to buy ‘more things’ really more important than right here and now – this memory for my son / daughter? It is humbling to think that we are daily walking in the memories of our children!
I am reminded of a time I had my son helping me do a job. We had to drill some holes in some large stainless steel numbers for a house letterbox. I wanted the job to look perfect – the numbers had cost (for us) a lot of money and had been carefully stored away for this day. The wall was brand-new and was a large investment of time effort and money and it was going to be the first thing that people saw when they visited us. The holes were drilled in the numbers and in the wall (possibly the first time drilling for this child I don’t recall) and it came time to putting the screws in. I allowed my son to screw the screws in – but he slipped. A scratch mark across the new numbers was clear.
Right there in that moment it would be so easy to crush a little soul with a simple disapproving look, hang of the head or worse an angry outburst. Right there, where my expectations had not been met is where we reveal how important our children are to us. How much do we love them? When the job was finished and we looked at the new numbers – guess what I could see? And guess what he couldn’t see? He saw nice new numbers on a wall and a job he’d managed to complete with his dad. At that time it was easy for me to see a scratch and hard for me to ignore it and show him that I didn’t care!
Thankfully God has been dealing with these things and I can see more and more without trying that the outcome is really not important. Who is going to remember if that number had a scratch? That the wall isn’t straight? Who cares if the dinner is a little burnt? Or the house is a bit dirty? Is God looking down saying ‘shame on your your house is dirty’ or is He saying ‘let the children come to me – well done – they are important to me I have time for them and so should you – love them – love them love them!’.
I’m pretty sure it was Norm Wakefield who said “the more useless someone is to you, the more opportunity you have to love them”. And in this we see the way God loves us. We are useless to Him – but He loved us enough to send His Son to die for us. To pay our fine, to purchase our freedom, to open our eyes, to enable us to experience His love, grace and peace and to adopt us as His very children!
If the job is so important to get ‘right’ then I can do it without them – but if I invite them to do a job I need to remember that right there I am accepting that it may not be what I expected. And that needs to be ok with me before asking them to help. If not, don’t ask! And if getting annoyed, angry or distant – DEAL WITH IT. It is affecting EVERYONE around you!
WHAT I NEED TO DO:
In a lot of teachings, it is so easy to grasp and see the point principles and the ‘end goal’. Ie we can see the effect on our children, we can see why and want to act in a way that helps them. We decide ‘I will be nice, I won’t get angry, I will encourage the children and not worry about their mistakes and treat them as more important”. We go on our way and never have problems in that area again… Unless you’re like me. Then you will see hang on – all this excitement & resolve and trying actually made no difference after the first couple of (days, weeks months). Something deeper is going on.
As we started saying earlier – everyone has hidden beliefs. The effect of these beliefs may be known to you – or may be clear to those around you (or both can any one say Johari!) – but the deep seated belief is rarely know by anyone. I believe firmly that unless this hidden root ‘lie’ is dealt with, you will struggle in that area continually. I have experienced this myself and in numerous others trying all kinds of recognized secular and ‘Christian’ techniques that make absolutely no difference. Outside of a handful of miraculous type events in self and others, there seemed to be little hope. Was this it? Did we need to just accept that only a tiny proportion would be helped by Christ and the rest would go on suffering – or us try to rescue them all the time (creating dependancy)?
Recently, (in the last few years) we have discovered a whole ‘new’ approach. I say ‘new’ as it isn’t really, but the packaging of the principles in order to ensure people get resolution is. The training is meticulate in making sure the facilitator does not become part of the problem or the ‘answer’. The method relies of God revealing truth directly to the person.
I won’t go into the method in detail here as we have done that under ‘Ministry’ on the main site (not the blog).
What I will say is that the principles of this process reveal why change is so hard, how real and lasting change can be received and the true cause of the problem.
Put simply – the reason we act in ways that we seemingly don’t have control is that we are trying to avoid pain. Let’s look at a hypothetical example:
You’re walking along a busy road with a young child. Suddenly the child runs towards the road as a car is approaching. You shout stop – but they do not. Then you run to try to stop them but they are too far away. When they get to the curb, they stop pick up a ball turn around and run back to you. The reaction from most will be something like this:” don’t run away from me again! You could’ve been killed” There is normally a sense of anger. Why?
If you slow this process down, you’ll see something that happens for a lot of us. As the child is running towards the road, you experience fear, powerlessness, regret, dredd, terror, helplessness and more. These feelings are intense and not enjoyable. So the way we protect ourselves is to bury all those feelings and respond in anger. Humans do not want to stay in pain. We do not stay in that available place for very long at all. We find a way to feel better.
Now imagine that something in your life as a child happened and you felt helpless, powerless, worthless, pain, saddness. In that moment you take on a belief about yourself that evokes these same feelings every time they are ‘triggered’ – i.e. A person abused takes on a belief that they are ‘worthless’ in the moment. Then, later in life, anytime there is physical intimacy or the thought (or perceived pressure of it), the same effect of this worthless lie comes up. But it doesn’t feel nice and the person has learnt to hide it / protect themselves with anger. Now, when the loving usband tries to simply cuddle her, she shrugs him off in anger. No sign of the worthless lie or feeling other than the learned protective responce of anger. Or maybe the husband never received the needed encouragement from dad – everything he did was not quite good enough. A lie like ‘I am nothing’ is implanted – now when the loving wife asks a simple question ‘why did you do it that way’ she receives and explosion, defense of emotional withdrawel that could last for days.
The issue is nothing to do with here & now. No amount of memorising this or that, repating formulas or giving them ‘prophecies’ will help in the long term. The root of the issue needs to be dealt with. So while it is good to try to deal with and change our actions / reactions – the root cause must be addressed. Leaving it or deliberately trying to hide it will only lead to you continuing to be controlled and hindered by it – and the effect on others will remain.
Conclusion: When trying to get rid of a tree – there is no point pruning a few branches when the roots and trunk are still there!
“Lord continue to deal with the issues deep inside that cause me to look to the result for acceptance, meaning or popularity. Let me live in the moment continually enjoying who you are and reflecting on the way you love me – and the way I can love others. Thank you that you have given us a way of dealing with these deep core issues. Thank you for your love care and concern and the way that you are changing me to cause a good effect on those around me. Thank you for not giving up on me. “