Tonight I was reminded how dumb I am as a male at times…
Let me set the stage: I have been married to the same amazing woman for more than 20 years(!). We have lived together (in *hard* conditions at times), worked together, ran a business together, raised 6 children together, built a house and property together: been in each other’s spaces *constantly*.
She has continually told me what she needs *so* many times it’s absurd.
Even so, tonight, I come in to the bedroom and kneel down next to the bed. (No I’m not so holy I am about to pray – my back pain prevents me from lying down at times). It has been a particularly hard day with pain & headaches – I’ve nearly made it through another one… (yay!).
My night time routine is to work or focus on something to try to ignore the pain until I can finally sleep. It’s the home stretch of lasting the day and I can finally ‘escape’.
But just as I open the laptop, my wife blurts out:
“Pay me some attention”
My first thought is:
“Oh no – REALLY?!!”
“All I want to do is to zone out, escape or ignore the pain and finally sleep – I *really* don’t have any emotional energy left. Deadlines, planning, tax, finances, breakdowns – I have so much to do!…”
How selfish and DUMB can I be?!!
Twenty years ago, the next thought would not have come, I would have been angry & thought ‘stop being so needy / demanding’ – but at least now it does:
“This amazing woman, who puts up with all my crap, would do anything for me, gives of herself daily to me and our children, has stuck with me through every valley, is telling you what she needs & wants from you…. And you are saying no?!!!!!”
“Would I prefer she turns to substances or Facebook or other people or get her support and connection elsewhere? Then be surprised when we have ‘drifted’ apart so much things are at breaking point? Or one of us leaves? And then go through the disaster of separation & have to walk with ’that’ journey with the kids?”
I WOULD LOVE TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH YOU HONEY!!
Thankyou for the opportunity. And thank you for telling me what you need. So sorry I am so, so dumb at times and don’t recognise what you want / need…
The truth is, my incredible wife is so aware of what she needs and at times will let me know. Whether I listen & respond or not is a reflection on me not her.
I hope & pray one day that my FIRST thought is what she deserves & desires. Or even that I would recognise what she needs & try to meet if BEFORE she asks!
I believe that is what God wants from me (and all husbands):
25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. Ephesians 5:25-26 (NLT)
Intentional. Aware. Sacrificial. To love: to meet her needs, connect at her level, to listen to what she is feeling, hear her heart and connect with what she has gone through today, encourage her for what she has accomplished or tried…
When I get this right, she goes to bed with her love tank full. More peaceful, more content, more adventurous, more grateful, more loving, more motivated…
I’d love to be *way* better at this, but I have to admit – it is only by God’s huge transformation in my life that this is even on the radar, let alone in the realm of possibility.
So, if you think your wife is ‘demanding’ too much, stop & think – maybe she’s not. Maybe she’s just revealing a bit of her world you haven’t noticed yet.
Trying to express what she needs – and saying she is willing to get it *from you*!!!
Opening up and revealing that *you* are the one she desires to have her need met by… Not others, she wants *you* to be her knight and delight. Wow. What a privilege!
I know it’s not easy – we have so much else to do and achieve – but if we want to tackle a task that:
God says is vital,
God empowers us for,
God uses to reveal His nature and love to those around
let’s tackle it with the same determination and focus we do with other things… It will force us to grow, strengthen our relationship and model to others (especially our children) what love is.
And wives, if your husband doesn’t get it or forgets or struggles or does the wrong thing (exact opposite at times if like me!), please give him some extra grace & try to explain it again. Slowly… (use pictures if needed!): us males really aren’t that smart at these sorts of things! Well, I’m not anyway.
Lord, please continue to change me & give me understanding. Thank You for my wife – for who she is & what she does – but also for what she needs. Help me to be the husband You desire for her – modelling Your selfless love & sacrifice to her. Thank You for her grace, please strengthen & bless her tonight and give me wisdom for tomorrow.