Love: Without it we are nothing.
If I asked “what is love?” what comes to mind?
Liking something – a thing or activity?
Feeling attracted to a particular person?
Wanting to be near someone?
Being happy around them?
Experiencing comfort while with them?
Engaging in good conversation with them?
Enjoying the same activities?
Avoiding conflict / keeping the peace with someone?
Is love something we can touch or taste or feel?
Is it summed up by a phrase that is used sometimes: ‘that person completes me’?
There are many things that are common answers as to what love is, but many reveal that we may have lost sight of what love actually is.
And if we have a false notion of what love actually is, then we will never be able to give it freely.
In fact, most of the definitions above define something that is self focussed and virtually the opposite of genuine love. They all revolve around us – our feelings, our comfort, our pleasure, our entertainment etc.
You, or your feelings are the centre of the attention, they are the motivation for the action. That is not love.
Often our underlying (hidden) purpose or intention is ourselves, even when we think we are ‘loving’ or doing something for someone else.
Even worse, this can be bad for the other person! For instance, if ‘love’ is feeling good around someone, there can be a pressure on the other person (to be there, say something, provide something, do something) for you to feel good.
This has been accurately described as a ‘hook’ ↩️ (Bob Mumford). We send out something (a gift, our time, our service, our words etc) and it seems like we are ‘loving’ or giving, but really we are expecting something in return.
We want the other person (or even animal) to like us, give us something back (time, words, gifts etc) and we want to feel good. The hidden focus is back on us. We have essentially done something that could ‘hook’ them.
They think ‘how lovely that is / was’ and they feel good. They are drawn to the actions that they enjoy, the gift, the person etc, but don’t know that there is a hidden agenda. They don’t know there is a hook, just like a fish that takes a delicious looking piece of bait.
They of course start to respond to what feel good – I mean who wouldn’t! We love to feel special, get gifts etc. But as they start operate on the basis of what feels good, they don’t realise they are being ‘hooked’.
They may also fall into the same very common process (assuming they are not already operating in this tainted version of ‘love’ already!).
Ultimately, often two people hook each other – both doing things ‘for’ the other, but inwardly doing it for the what they get in return.
And it FEELS GOOD! At least for for a little while…
Both parties are doing what the other likes / loves and both respond positively to the others advances.
This happy phase (often referred to as the honeymoon period) can last for quite some time, often until one of the parties stops doing (or being) what the other wants for whatever reason.
It is often associated with marriage, though in reality it is just the natural course of human nature operating under this destructive counterfeit of ‘love’.
Essentially, as one party (or both parties) stops doing (or can’t do) what the other wants, the other decides they won’t either. The happy feelings are gone. Now, the things we did as pleasure become a chore or worse, we feel forced into them. We do them and feel resentful, or stop doing them. We start to feel used, pressured and *always* want compensation.
Scoreboards don’t work in relationships!
The breakdown is normally quite fast – and often around the same time something (or someone) else pops up that makes us feel good & we can put our time / attention in to them / that.
Suddenly we get that good feeling again – we are appreciated, noticed, cared for ‘LOVED’! And the cycle starts again, just with a new person (or activity / thing). And of course, we believe all the painful stuff that happened was the other persons fault!
When I look around, I see that this type of ‘love’ is not only destructive, but common. In fact it is the norm and I believe the reason why so many relationships fail.
And something even more alarming – I notice it in myself. As someone who knows and has studied more accurate definitions of love, someone who has been aware of these selfish inclinations and has actively combated them for 20 years now – it is *still* something that is subtly evident.
But only in certain situations (hurtful situations actual help us!) and often only being pointed out by others (the importance of accountability!). If it were just me – I would be convinced it was all everybody else’s fault.
I am reminded of a verse in the Bible:
The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked.
Who really knows how bad it is?
But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives.
Jeremiah 17:9-10 (NLT)
The human heart is desperately wicked. It deceives itself. My heart deceives me. And don’t be fooled, your heart deceives you!
Another way that verse can be translated:
The human heart is utterly deceitful and incurably ill
Incurably ill! The human heart is ILL, sick.
I remember before I was awakened to the pure love of God, my heart was sick. Really sick! The activities I enjoyed, the filth I thought was normal, the abusive patterns and way I treated people was TERRIBLE. But here is the strange thing – I thought my actions were good. I thought was loving people.
I thought I was a pretty good person.
Dealing drugs, stealing, using women for my own pleasure, getting violent – but I thought I was a good person! I could justify everything I did and could not see what my actions did to others. Nor was I aware of my hidden motives.
Again the Bible states accurately in a few places:
People may be right in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their heart. Proverbs 21:2
In our own eyes, we are right, even good and look down on others. Often we can’t even understand what the other persons position is. We compare ourselves to others and think “compared to them I am ‘good’”. We think we are in the right.
Often that is not the case. Often it comes down to our false notion of ‘love’.
We simply re-interpret situations so we feel ok, we avoid others so we don’t feel bad and we gravitate towards others so we feel good. All based on deception, all self focussed, all hidden.
So how do we go about understanding a deeper more pure definition (and way) of love?
As always it all starts with God. It is impossible to love without God, because all love comes from God.
Quoting the Bible:
“Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”
(1 John 4:7-8)
God is love. His very essence – who He is. And this verse says that people who *love* are children of God. But does that mean anyone who does something nice for someone else is a child of God?
No! Not at all. In fact, the Bible continues to clarify exactly what is meant in the next verse:
“God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.” (1 John 4:9-10)
The definition of love is given immediately to make sure we know the type of love God is talking about. It is not the hidden motive, self focussed, hook ‘love’ that we have talked about.
It is the love that God has towards us as sinners. It is a *completely* selfless love. A one-way love. Not a hook ↩️ expecting something in return but an arrow ➡️ that can sink deep into our hearts💘
God knew that when He sent His Son to die that people would reject Him. The Bible says that “while we were still sinners Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). That is selfless, one way, not expecting *anything* in return love.
It is *that* love that indicates you are God’s child. If you give that love freely, if that love is what you are characterised by, that is an indicator that you are God’s child.
You can’t summon that love or force it. You can not work at it and then ‘earn’ your way to be a child of God. That love can only come from Him, birthed in you by Him and flowing out to others. It is self sacrificing, it puts the other first and it speaks truth in love.
The Bible defines some aspects of this love in another place (well known and repeated at many weddings!):
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. “ (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
Is that the type of love we have towards others? Is that what characterises our life, our walk, our relationship(s), our parenting, our preaching?
Or, at some hidden level, are we wanting something in return? Recognition, status, a good feeling, something back, keeping score, justifying?
I personally see the reality of love, its presence in the world, as a clear proof that God exists. There is no real credible reason why selfless love would exist in a purely physical word that evolved from a supposed explosion of nothing.
But that burning desire to do what is right *for the other person*, despite what you want (or what is good for you) is something that is real and unmistakeable. In fact, in the verse we have been talking about, it states that if someone is a Christian, they will have this love. They will operate in this love. It says they are not Christians if they don’t have this love.
It doesn’t include bitterness and it doesn’t avoid conflict but seeks to bring peace through truth. Although it comes supernaturally from God, it does at times require a huge amount of strength and honesty. Sometimes it hurts – real bad. But if you turn to God , He can help, He understands!
God has been hurt more than anyone – it hurt Him immensely when He sent His Son to die for you and me.
He hurt when He watched His Son who had done no wrong, was being unjustly accused, rejected, condemned, whipped, beaten, hung naked, spat on, mocked.
He hurt when He watched His Son slowly die an agonising death.
He was hurt when sin – your sin and mine – was laid on Jesus – and He was separated from His only Son.
His love was one way.
Not a self centred or sentimental love. He would have removed Himself off the cross.
It was a selfless love.
It was a powerful love
It was an obedient love.
It was a patient love.
It was a kind love
It was an is a long suffering love.
He is waiting for you to respond to Him.
I pray that you would today. He is the only source of true love. It emirates from His very being – towards us who deserve His wrath and judgment.
Listen to the way He describes Himself – in a situation where He had every reason to be angry. Where His Holiness should have destroyed the person who was asking for ‘more’.
May our response be that of Moses to Him today:
The LORD passed in front of Moses, calling out, “Yahweh! The LORD!
The God of compassion and mercy!
I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.
I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations.
I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin.
But I do not excuse the guilty. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children and grandchildren;
the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations.”
Moses immediately threw himself to the ground and worshiped.
And he said, “O Lord, if it is true that I have found favor with you, then please travel with us. Yes, this is a stubborn and rebellious people, but please forgive our iniquity and our sins. Claim us as your own special possession.” (Exodus 34:6-8)
This God, that is full of love, wants you as His special possession!
He created you
He has paid the price for your sin. All you need to do is turn from it and trust in what His Son did on the cross for you.
Conclusion: We need God’s love, especially when we think we don’t!
PRAYER: Lord, help us respond to Your *love* today. Help us to turn away from the false notions of love that we have. Please forgive us for the sin we have committed against you by breaking Your law. Please forgive us for putting our own feelings above others. Help us trust in what Jesus did on the cross so that we would receive complete forgiveness. Thank you for paying such a high price for us.
Help us deal with anything that distracts us, deceives us or hinders us in receiving or giving your true love. And may we always recognise the depths of that love for all eternity.
NOTES: All scripture is quoted from the New Living Translation (NLT) ©2015