The dust, the smoke, the smell of fuel, the noise, the laughing, the bottles of Jacks, the beer – these were ‘my people’ and this was definitely ‘my scene’.
I was walking towards them, but something was wrong…very wrong.
Normally, I would be right at home, drinking, joining in. But now, as I approached, two things were blatantly obvious:
1) I had no desire for the drinks. None. As an acute alcoholic, this was monumental. I would normally not leave my house unless I was drunk. Then I would drink more on the way and when I arrived. But here, I was completely straight and the drinks were barely noticeable. I didn’t care for them no desire at all. And as incredible as this was, I was hardly even aware that I didn’t want the drinks. Maybe because next reality was far, far bigger…
2) There was something separating me from these people. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it: something stood in the way of me connecting normally, or being part of them . There was a fundamental difference. Here they were laughing, drinking, yelling…all I wanted to do was talk to these people about ‘god’.!!!!? I mean what?!!
I didn’t even know ‘god’ – I had long held to the belief that ‘god’ didn’t exist and that *anyone* who believed (let alone talked about) such things was an idiot, deserving of my anger & abuse. But here I was with something in me dying to get out…I wanted to take about ‘god’ bit I didn’t even know who this ‘god’ was. I just knew He / it was doing things in my life.
The cars, the alcohol, the rush, the women, none of it meant anything. I wanted to talk about ‘god’!?
I had just been reading the Bible and for the first time, everything I read made total sense(!). In fact, far from being an out dated religious book, it had answered questions I long held about life, the universe and my own life. Many of the questions I hadn’t even really verbalised or consciously thought. But as I read, literal lights bulbs went off – one after the other.
After just a few weeks of reading, the way I viewed life, the universe, spirituality, religion, the future – in fact my whole reality – had shifted in a huge way. My conscious mind was really struggling to keep up.
I look back at that memory with wonder and awe now – did those guys have any idea of what I was going through? What did I say? Did it make *any* sense at all? Did I talk about ‘god’? How weird did I come across? Who knows? But one thing is for sure…my life was changing in a way I had *never* thought possible!
It would be 14 exactly days before I knew what was going on…
To be continued