Six years ago today, my brother in law passed away after complications from a bee sting. Looking back, I can clearly remember getting the phone call that he had been rushed to hospital…
When this phone call came through, I instantly knew that it was a dire situation even though the doctors were very optimistic, saying there was at least 70% chance he would be ok.
God had prepared us for two weeks before that something big was coming. He also told us specific things about Naveen, so we we did reach out. I didn’t fully believe it was God, partially dismissing it as one of the many thoughts. But when this phone call came through, I knew that this was it.
I told the boys to drop their tools and we set off shortly afterwards to the hospital. By the time we got there, the prognosis had changed to only a 30% chance of survival. The next couple of days were a blur – filled with incredibly painful and difficult situations.
One of the hardest for me was my parents-in-law desperate pleas for me to pray for Naveen. As soon as I laid my hand on him, my heart sank. I instantly knew it was not God’s will for him to survive. It was the hardest prayer of my life.
I was acutely aware of the pain of my parents-in-law, my own inability to face the reality of him not making it, the effect on my wife and sister in law and the drain it would have on my mother-in-law battling terminal cancer, watching his friends, grown men, break down in grief.
The changes in all our lives from that moment were profound and long lasting, but a number of things have made the journey through grief far, far easier to deal with:
1) First and foremost, we were obedient in loving Naveen while he was alive.
I don’t just mean being nice or sheltering him when he needed it. Nor do I mean that we gave our time & attention to him. Sure we did all those things, but we really showed love, when we were willing to share the Gospel with him.
It wasn’t easy, we didn’t want it to offend him, we knew in the past he was antagonistic & believed ‘faith was for fools’. But, just a few weeks before his passing we shared the Gospel with him again. For the first time, he did not laugh at us or shrug it off, he didn’t swear, but he did something very unexpected: he asked more questions! He wanted to know more.
For the first time we were able to share clearly what Jesus had done, what it meant for him personally and shared about sin. I shudder to think what it would be like if we had taken the easy, comfortable, weak and unloving path in that moment.
If you are a Christian, encourage you: If you love, peak up! Being nice, making a meal, inviting to church – that is not the Gospel. People need to hear the truth of what Jesus has done for them.
Love them enough to share the world’ best News! Even if they laugh or reject you for it – you will have planted a seed that God can water.
2) God showed us His perspective of the situation
In the natural, the whole situation was incredibly difficult and senseless. Surely this was the worst thing for Naveen, for his parents (especially his mum), his sisters, his niece & nephews, his friends…the list goes on.
But when God gave us an indication of why Naveen died, why it was good for him and hat would have happened if He had lived, it made perfect sense. Although we couldn’t see it at the time, it would also prove to be good for his mum and us and, well you get it.
His death, while something we would never have wanted or could ever choose, was actually an act of mercy and love from God.
If you can get God’s perspective, even the worst situation will make sense. You can trust God – He really loves you, He really loves everyone in and around your situation. And He wants good for you. So much so, He sent His Son to die for you – to pay the price of your sin.
Getting God’s perspective is vital (and not ‘just’ in the case of the death of a loved one!). If you need help with this, please feel free to reach out (anonymously if needed). If we can help we would be happy to. Seriously, we understand grief!
3) We gave ourselves time to heal.
Although we were in the middle of a time-sensitive building project, living in old vans with intermittent power, outdoor toilets and the like, we stopped building. The tools remained in the same place for weeks maybe even months afterward.
We spent time visiting and trying to help with some of the new problems & tasks initiated by Naveen’s sudden death. We tried to support family and spent a lot of time talking openly through the pain & grief with our children.
We also prayed for everyone involved and kept filling our hearts & minds with God’s Word (the Bible).
Open grieving is incredibly important for healing and moving forward – it can take a long time and sometimes comes at the most inopportune times. Give yourself time and space, and lower your expectations of yourself and others grieving… it will help!
4) We had people around us that supported us.
As with any valley, hard situation or difficult time, having people to talk to, cry and pray with can be incredibly helpful.
People who love and care will support in some incredible ways. We had people make food at times, pay for clothes for the children for the funeral, do our washing and a variety of other incredibly helpful things.
We found that there was a correlation between those who love God and those who want to show love & support to others. That should not be a surprise as God, who is love, fills His people with love and commands them to love & serve others!
5) We learnt from what were were going through and kept trying to serve.
When we experience pain, loss, trauma – anything difficult – it helps us have compassion for others when they go through similar things.
Another amazing thing is that God has made life more fulfilling, easier and quicker when we serve others. If we take the focus off ourselves, it actually helps us move forward .
I’m not talking about avoiding the grief or healing – not using serving others as a crux – but it is a natural result of god doing His work within us.
6) We forced ourselves to move on.
There is a difference between allowing yourself to grieve, taking much needed time and allowing grief to be (or using it as) an excuse.
I still remember how utterly defeated we felt for a while. Walking through the house, looking at the walls that were half finished, we were crushed. It all seemed so futile.
What was the point of building a house when death would stop us from enjoying the company of those we are about? It was a disabling feeling – an all encompassing burden.
I remember saying to the family that we had to honour uncle Naveen and build a wall in his honour. It was what he would have wanted. We decided to wear work-boots (not normal for us, but he always used to say we should!) in his honour.
I can not tell you how hard it was to start this day, mentally and emotionally is was huge. But it was also very healing and a vital step to start getting back into life. Not neglecting him, but moving forward and remembering the good. Being thankful to God for the time we did have with Naveen and remembering the love and joy he brought.
If you are going through grief:
please reach out to people who understand and/or care. That may be people who love God from church or family or it could be virtual strangers like us. Please, whoever it is – please reach out, there are people who care and understand.
And get this: it will help, you can get through this. As hard as it may seem right now, things will seem different and bearable and even happy again.
Conclusion: Grief while incredibly powerful and disabling, is something we can move on through to a healthy and content place.
Lord, please help us turn to You while in the valley. Please continue to hold us and comfort us so that we can survive. Please direct us to see, hear and understand Your perspective. Thank You for understanding grief, separation and loss. Thank You for going through all that willingly for us, so that we could be forgiven. Help us!
What joy for those whose strength comes from the LORD,
who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.
6 When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.
7 They will continue to grow stronger,
and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.Psalms 84:5-7 (NLT)