Beer, Cones, Spirits

Notes: Some names have been changed to protect identities.

I was a chronic user to start with, dealing and having cones / buckets at every stop when selling / picking up, joints along the way and then social sessions too.

To put it in perspective I remember one night after standard sessions during the day and evening - having a bong-off with at least one friend. I had 33 buckets before driving out for munchies with the other participant passed out back at the house. After an encounter with the police I came back feeling straight. So I’m thinking I would probably be classed as a high user (pun intended .
This went on for a number of years. I held down a regular job and snuck joints / cones wherever possible during the day - at the time it was just life, a way to cope, ‘fun’ and 'normal'. 

But over the years I had started to get paranoid. Obviously to others I had major mood swings (that I didn’t recognise myself or believe existed) but in myself it was just this increasing sense of paranoia. Some say this is because of the drugs - but I did not and still don’t completely agree. More on that later.

It had got to the stage where if I had one toke I would instantly get insanely paranoid - I would think everyone in the room was looking at me, that I was weird sounding, that others were watching me, that my own thoughts were somehow attacking me - then there was the 'situation' with the police.

As a dealer I would regularly wake up early to the sound of my dogs going nuts and people banging on the doors - to be faced with police with video cameras and warrants to search my house. They did drive-bys with their spotlight lit up towards my house often and after a while it all becomes normal. It’s just part of the life-style.

But after even one toke now, I would grab my dogs & a weapon and hide behind the wheelie bin out the front waiting for them…for hours! It may sound funny to you - but I can assure you I look back at this time with extreme gratefulness that they never came past when I was in this mental state - I sincerely believe I would not be here today if they did. 

Now, back to Balga - in this room, in this flat, with every one having a great time and me at least half drunk - I started to get this same feeling - but I wasn’t even smoking. It wasn’t much of a dutch oven either - so what was going on? Ignore it & push it away - I’ll be right. As people started to leave to rejoin the party I was left with one guy (I’ll call him Brad), we started chatting and I described this paranoia to him. As we talked he asked me what I thought it was and I joked "I’m going mad or could be demons” - as I said the word ‘demons’, the tape player (remember those!) playing Suicidal Tendencies or some other metal chewed the tape. We laughed - but he did ask if it had ever happened before. “no never” - it was an expensive deck. 

I put a different tape in the other side of the machine and we kept talking - a short time later the word demon was mentioned again and guess what - yes the tape player chewed that tape too. Brad immediately became agitated, started crying and yelling ‘my brother is listening to Mega Death and he’s going to kill himself’ and all sorts of other weird stuff. Brad was not an emotional person. He didn’t care about music or heavy metal - what was he talking about? Why was he all wired up & crying? What was going on - I knew him well & had never seen him act even close to that or mention any of it.

He left - to bury all those thoughts and fear / whatever - and to have a good time - drink some more & forget the ‘painful stuff’. You know how these sorts of things (and some moments of clarity) happen but you push them away and forget them?

I lay down on the bed to gather my thoughts - I mean what was all that? What is going on. What was Brad taking about? As I closed my eyes (hoping for that spinning feeling) I was greeted by these big, big, red eyes - presumably part of a large ‘being’ just above my bed.

It was challenging me “let me in if you dare” - I had an immediate knowledge that if I let it in, it would be the biggest rush I had ever had. It would be powerful and exactly what I spent my life looking for - but I also had knowledge that “it would be in control”.
“Can you handle it” - another challenge that came and nearly achieved it’s objective.

Those eyes were powerful - not angry or attacking but powerful. I have no idea how long I lay there - could have been 10 seconds or an hour I honestly don’t know. But it was a hard decision for me at that point - maybe the hardest I ever faced. Seriously I can not emphasise just how close I was to choosing yes. 

I didn’t though - I got up walked out, grabbed another drink and then - you guessed it -I pushed that thought and the memory down. I don’t know if I ever talked to anyone about it - if I did my sister would know…we shared about most things at that point. But I actually forgot about it until years later.

"...like when brad's brother had been found dead after committing suicide (part of a ritual)..."

Sure I had moments where I remembered it - like when I found out Brad’s brother had been found dead after committing suicide (part of some ritual) or like when I had other freaky spiritual things that I could not answer nor understand physically - but essentially it was gone. I had forgotten and repressed this event as if it didn’t happen - it did not matter!  The tape player never did chew another tape just in case you are wondering!

And what of the paranoia? Well that was easy - avoid dope. Use more alcohol, morphine or scripts, whatever. No dramas. It was ‘just the drugs’ so if I avoided the drugs I didn’t need to worry right? Well no - even though that intense paranoia state didn’t happen as often, my general mental state deteriorated, but not in a way that I thought or realised was bad. It was a slow and virtually unnoticeable process (to me).

People around me could see clearly certain things- but I was oblivious to them. No one could tell me I needed anything nor that anything was wrong. Except of course when I had a brief moment of clarity…

As a user of various things, come-down was part of life. Hated, yes, try to avoid with activities, sleep, drugs, food whatever - but still just part of the ‘good’ feelings and drug use. One of these things was regular headaches.

But one day, the headache was much worse than normal…It got about as bad as the headaches I got when I had Galangelah Fever / Chronic Fatigue and tried to OD on dope hoping not to wake up. These were so intense, couldn’t stand up for the pain, couldn’t see, didn’t really know my name type headaches. In fact to get around I had to crawl as the pain was too intense to stand. We all thought it was funny that I had to crawl to the bong…

This day - I don’t recall how long this particular headache went on but at some stage I phoned the hospital. I remember her asking me a series of questions and her voice becoming more and more dramatic. The last thing I remember was her yelling at me to lie on the floor immediately and that the ambulance was nearly there. I don’t know if I did - the next memory I have is in the ambulance for a few seconds, then I woke up in hospital.

In hospital I was attached to all these machines and I was staring at my heart rate on an ecg. It was very erratic and mesmerising. I called the nurse to see what was going on & she called the doctor. The doctor didn’t come right away, so I worked out how to turn the machine off without alarms going off, got up walked to the front desk and called someone to come & pick me up.

Out the front of the hospital, waiting to be picked up, I suddenly had a 'moment of clarity': “I could be about to drop dead…why am I in all this pain, why am I going through this, when will it end…I just want a normal / happy life…” I actually got emotional…then I saw my friends car approaching. I quickly pushed all that down, and you guessed it - forgot all about it. In fact I only remembered this recently, 15 years later!

I could write for hours on the journey from there but to cut a whole heap of things short: it got to a point where I decided I would end my life. I was not what I would call depressed - I was often the life of the party. If you ever asked me I probably would have said I was going great and in a sense it wouldn’t have been a lie. My physical injuries and back pain were getting worse and my alcohol / prescription drug addictions were off the charts. But most of the time I actually enjoyed my life. I didn’t like being addicted and had trouble dealing with the pain - but I was mostly enjoying my life.

But at other times - the times that no one knew about (and I myself denied, ’forgot’ and repressed) - big things inside where happening. I just wanted life to be over. I couldn’t face the fight - the struggle to survive and the effort to actually enjoy life. I hated being addicted and tried to quit - every day - for years. I decided I would rather be dead. And I certainly didn’t want to face life with the possible side effects of the operations I was facing on my lower spine. I decided to sell up and go on a trip to end my life - but live it up a bit first.

"...I was settled with my decision to end my life..."

I was settled with that decision when I left and really never expected to come back. 

Thankfully though, that is not what happened…

A drawing of the coaster bus by my nephew, Jake!

I bought a coaster bus that was decked out as a camper…sold almost all of my cars and parts (I had started and was running a Holden wrecking yard) and left on a trip.

At a certain place on this trip, I had a few dramas. I got my coaster bus camper van stuck somewhere where many 4WD vehicles wouldn’t be able to go. I then drowned my 4wd quad in the river. In the struggle to lift it back on to land and then push it to the ‘camp site’ and fix it - my back was bad - very bad. I was determined not to use any of the pain killers (similar to Heroin in effect) that I had with me so I decided I would end my life right here.

It was beautiful - a place called Eagle Rock Falls near Newman. Lovely scenery - and a large cliff on to rocks that would suit the task at hand. At this stage I had been reading the Bible for a few weeks and I had experienced many ‘miraculous’ things that I argued away as coincidence. I was engrossed in the Bible and the way it seemed to answer the questions in my head, but here I simply said ‘God I don’t want you to heal me anymore I need you to or I am going’.

God got my attention immediately by literally taking the pain out of my back altogether. This was huge - I had a lot of morphine (and harder substances), mixed with alcohol and other drugs - and not once had I been pain free. I even had an epidural which I was assured would give me a few months of relief - that lasted literally 4 hours. Everything only dulled the pain - but now the pain was gone - completely. I could not feel my back!

Being the firm sceptic, I actually believed in that moment that I had just found the perfect position. I lay on that bed for around 15 hours without moving - I didn’t want the pain to come back… I slept well and awoke with no pain.

All that was so amazing it is hard to describe - but it takes second place to something else that happened at the same time. In fact all of that fades into nothingness…

God opened my eyes to sin, how sin was against God - but that this God loved me anyway. In fact He loved me so much that He sent Jesus to pay the price for my sin. It blew my mind as these sins that I had long denied, committed and lived in guilt from were completely gone. I was clean and forgiven! I remember weeping for hours as I felt conviction, guilt, forgiveness and love for the first time.

"...it was silent in my mind....the voices that I didn't know were even there - they were gone..."

And when the weeping stopped - I felt peace. This was the most bizarre and unsettling feeling I can remember. It was like this massive ‘ahhhh moment’ but I was suddenly acutely aware that it was silent in my mind. It was like I was actually alone with me, God being there but the ‘noise’ and voices were gone. If you had asked me the day before if I had voices in my head I would have said “no way!”. But now, when they stopped - it was clear how much time, space and influence they had.

Things like dealing drugs and stealing - I used to justify them. I couldn’t cope with life without drugs so I was helping people by selling them drugs. Stealing - I tried to convince myself that the people I stole off had insurance or were businesses so it didn’t matter. Nothing I did seemed bad - until the moment God opened my eyes and I saw what it did to Him and the fact that it was actually against Him.

So this, combined with the pain disappearing from my back - I felt a new zeal for life. The problem was I was stuck 30km off the Bitumen track in a coaster bus with no clutch, a drowned quad, no money and no communications.

Without going into great detail (I have done this elsewhere as there was so much that happened) - the 18 hours it took me to travel 33 ams was very eventful! I received a few injuries, had people appear out of no where to help for hours after praying and the pain in my back came back with a vengeance. At the end of this day, covered in blood and brake fluid - with nearly every cupboard in the bus emptied onto the floor covered in dirt and dust I felt terrible - I was in agony and I started screaming and shouting. I was in such a pent up anger state (thankfully no one was here at this point!!) until this thought entered my mind “you were ready to kill yourself yesterday from the pain in your back…today you have done all that digging etc….what’s really happening here?”

It was as clear as day to me…there actually was an enemy of my soul who was trying to get me to turn away from what happened yesterday. It was like a clear flash of lightning that illuminated my mind - my response was to shout and scream at ‘satan’!  
It must have looked amusing - some feral looking guy running around swearing his head off at some invisible 'being'. But the spiritual reality that I experienced in this moment will never be forgotten…

Another 2 weeks of continual ‘coincidences’ and strange happenings that I could not explain - and I found myself in a small church. Although I didn’t know it - it was Fathers Day 2000 - I could feel the presence of God despite the fact there were only a few people and a tape player - and the woman (an ex drug user) was preaching about Father to the fatherless - it was like a custom-made appointment - thirty something years in the making. I suddenly realised that this was actually God - He was actually in some churches too (a hard opinion to receive when you’ve been raised in a cult).

I could feel His Spirit and it was not mind control / crowd mentality etc. A lot of things happened in Newman - I became involved in the church right away, started a youth group, started (trying) to host the christian radio show, prayed over the town every day, then eventually got baptised up there. My mum, dad & one of my sisters came to witness the event - I’m not sure they believed that this could actually be happening…

But things changed radically for me - I had no desire for drugs or alcohol, I was actually content and at peace. I had a relationship with God that filled every need and void in my life…I knew He loved me!!

Back in Perth
Fast forward through 6 months of ‘happenings’ and back in Perth  I was led on a journey where I ran into a plethora of spiritual people. Seriously: white light healers, reiki masters, channellers, mystics, wiccans, witches of all varieties, wizards, warlocks and even satanists. I never believed any of these sorts of people existed. I had never given any of it much thought - but if It had to analyse it it would have been something along the lines of “it’s more a fun / fairy tail sort of belief that no one takes seriously”. And I certainly didn’t believe in any real beings like demons - I thought the stories in the Bible were just myths or maybe allegories or similar.

How wrong I was. As I listened and talked with many of the people I met (and even started attending a ‘church of unity’ - I would describe this as a combination of New Age / low level witchcraft) I discovered a common theme with all of these people and indeed what I had experienced… 

No, non of them liked metal music, non of them were drug dealers (most didn’t even like drugs) - (AFAIK lol) - non were in trouble with the police criminally and non were looking for a rush. But the outworking of the beliefs they followed all reflected what they were looking for - whether that was to help / heal people, to get power / money or to feel peace / security - or any mixture of the above. Their belief system allowed them to follow practises in which they humanly experienced small portions of this - gaining a psychological link and emotive reason for continuing AND (the more important part) opening them up to their spiritual side to have these needs met. 

"...many had travelled down the spiritual road, the further they got, the more sinister it became until ending their life was the only 'escape'..."

Most of the people that I met were happy and adamant that they had found the course of belief / action / spirituality that was the best for them. But there was about 30% of those I met that said this but then would let you in on moments of terror / trauma / clarity that they had experienced and had no answer for. As I shared my experiences with them, they opened up more & more - the lights came on and they were eager to get answers. Some who were very hungry had already attempted to kill themselves, some nearly succeeding - with multiple scars to prove it. When you see the cut marks running up an down someones arms you see a sinister reality. They started off on a path - just like me - trying to cope, looking for fun, looking for fulfilment, looking for meaning. It felt good. But over time things progressed and eventually things started happening that were bad - very, very bad. And they were all in different forms of spirituality. No common denominator - or so it would seem on the surface.  

It was amazing to see that every single one of these people all had a similar path:

• Someone shared what they had experienced with them & they like the RESULT.
• The practise / belief / religion / organisation offered them something they thought would be good.
• They started to investigate and FELT something nice, good powerful (that would line up with what they were looking for).
• Often the result was help / peace / healing for others - one of the best feelings of all.
• They would become more and more involved, often starting to get others involved.
• The practises revolved more and more around the spiritual and the practises became what would have been unacceptable had they started here.
• There came a point where they no longer tried to follow / do / feel - there was a kind of momentum - they didn’t need to keep learning, trying it was like they were being carried.
• After this they would start to get times irregularly where things would go bad in these practises - but fairly easy to overcome.
• Once they become bad enough to warrant action - usually a stronger / deeper / more sinister spirituality would ensue. Often the new spiritual practise was something they initially disagreed with and would never have considered years earlier.
• The further people got down ‘their’ road, the more the bad effects would be:  ongoing nightmares, panic attacks, physical attacks, self harm and eventually suicide.
• Mixed into these would be many ‘encounters’ with certain 'beings'. 

"...the deceiving spirit who's goal is to trick and destroy..."

The Bible says that these things are deceiving spirits who's purpose is to trick, lie and destroy the lives of those God created. 

They deceive - they pretend to be something they are not. They pretend to be peace filled, happy, lovely, and can even heal (do good things) in order to deceive you. They can give feelings of ‘peace’, ‘power’ and even ‘heal’ - but their goal is to eventual destroy your life - to bring death. They are quite happy as long as you do not turn to Jesus.

Why? Why would they lie to you? Because they have no power over you unless you give it. They can not violate your will - so instead of respecting you, they try to trick you into accepting them. Once in they turn on you and use you for what they want. You become the vessel for them and their agenda.

Who in their right mind would let that demon that I described earlier to enter? What about an evil being that said I want to destroy your life? Not a chance - but they lie. They try to get you dead by lying to you. They seem good to start with and are happy to do nice / ‘good’ things to get you to a point where they are in control. 

"...it is like a spiritual smorgasbord - whatever you want - but the food is poisoned..."

I
When I look around at the world today, I see huge numbers of religions, beliefs and spirituality - a lot of it all mixed up together & jumbled. A bit of Hindu & a bit of Buddism, a little 'Christianity' with some Yoga etc etc. It’s like the cosmic spiritual smorgasbord - what do you feel like - what do you want? Take as much or as little as you like…but it all leads to the same place according to the Bible and what I have experienced. 

Let’s assume just for a moment that the Bible is true. It says that all roads lead to hell - and that there is an enemy that lies and tricks ppl to make decisions to get them to a point where they end up there. For some it is ‘there is no god, anything spiritual is weak, minded, faith is for fools’ - for some it is ‘doing good and entertaining or focussing on peace’ right through to others where there is ‘communing with actual beings that seem sinister’ - but the root and result is the same. Pride and avoidance of the one true God. If this is the case, everything makes sense. Jesus is the one dividing line in all of this. 

What if what He says was true? I implore you to seek His truth and what He says as it is the one voice that claims complete and total victory and the one and only path. And He doesn’t promise that we will feel all nice - there are no tricks but honesty. This is where I will stop - there is so much to say here about what Jesus says and promises - but I feel that is disrespecting you unless you ask or are open to it. But the above based on my experience I feel that I have to share and pray that you will read and consider it. 

Below are a few scriptures that some of the above comes from:

“You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way.   * But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it
(Matthew 7:13-14 NLTSB)

“When an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert, searching for rest. But when it finds none, it says, ‘I will return to the person I came from. ’ So it returns and finds that its former home is all swept and in order.   * Then the spirit finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they all enter the person and live there. And so that person is worse off than before
(Luke 11:24-26 NLTSB)

“And the spirit replied, ‘I will go out and inspire all of Ahab’s prophets to speak lies. ’
“ ‘You will succeed,’ said the L ord. ‘Go ahead and do it. ’
  * “So you see, the L ord has put a lying spirit in the mouths of all your prophets. For the L ord has pronounced your doom
(1 Kings 22:22-23 NLTSB)


* Yes, I am the gate. Those who come in through me will be saved. They will come and go freely and will find good pastures.   * The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.
  * “I am the good h shepherd. The good h shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep
(John 10:9-11 NLTSB)


  * For e false messiahs and false prophets will rise up and perform great signs and wonders so as to deceive, if possible, even God’s chosen ones
(Matthew 24:24 NLTSB)


But I am not surprised! Even g Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.   * So it is no wonder that his servants also disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. In the end they will get the punishment their wicked deeds deserve
(2 Corinthians 11:14-15 NLTSB)

* And I saw three evil spirits that looked like frogs leap from the mouths of the dragon, the beast, and the false prophet.   * They are i demonic spirits who work miracles and go out to all the rulers of the world to gather them for battle against the Lord on that great judgment day of God the j Almighty.
  * “Look, I will come as unexpectedly as a thief! Blessed are all who are watching for me, who keep their clothing ready so they will not have to walk around naked and ashamed.”
  * And the demonic spirits gathered all the rulers and their armies to a place with the Hebrew name Armageddon
(Revelation 16:13-16 NLTSB)


PRAYER:
Lord I ask that you would bring clarity and openness to those that read this page. Help us all see the reality of the world around us and the life that we live. Let us know the truth of who you are, what you desire and whether the things we do are what you want or not. Most of all Lord help us to see any deception that may be affecting us - and give us the strength and humility to accept the words and advice of others in this regard.


Conclusion: There is only One God, One Lord - Jesus Christ.

Tags: suicide, drugs, spirits, demons, Jesus